Just a Harmless Joke
by CrazyGirl47
Summary: Fred accidentally starts rumors that he's with Hermione, and encourages them for a laugh. When she find out, she's furious. Now the two of them are fighting to outembarrass and annoy one another... but they're also fighting their feelings for each other.
1. Just a Harmless Joke

**_Just a Harmless Joke_**

_Author's Notes:_ This story is something alluded to in most of my other Harry Potter fics, but it is not related to them in any way; they are not continuous. This is set during Hermione's fifth year and Fred's seventh, so Hermione is sixteen and Fred is seventeen. (Hermione's older than Harry and Ron, according to J.K.R.) I'm only using the first four books; I will not be using hardly anything from _Order of the Phoenix, _I'm making up my own age for McGonagall, and I'm throwing that rule about guys going into girls' dorms out the window. (I got this idea long before I found out about that rule.)

This fic is now finished. However, I keep up with all the reviews, so please leave them. I'm trying to come up with ideas for a sequel and/or an epilogue, and reviews often inspire me.

_Disclaimer:_ I don't own anything I don't own, including but not limited to Harry Potter.

* * *

**Chapter One**

_Just a Harmless Joke_

Fred Weasley found it strange that he'd never been caught sneaking food from the kitchens, especially since he usually went in the middle of the night. He could only assume it was because Filch, the caretaker, assumed no student knew where the kitchens were—stupid, really, when you considered that Fred and his twin brother George had been caught in quite a few places no one was supposed to know about. Whatever the reason, Fred was glad he'd yet to get in trouble, as he, George, and Lee Jordan took turns going down to the kitchens every week, giving Filch plenty of opportunities to catch them.

"Out for another nightly stroll?" the Fat Lady said dryly as he approached her portrait.

"Actually, I was visiting Professor Snape. Apparently he's fallen madly in love with me and gave me a ton of snacks as a token of his affections."

"Right," she said and rolled her eyes, but she chuckled. "Password?"

"Monkey stew," Fred told her, and the portrait hole swung open. He climbed in with a bit of difficulty (he couldn't use his hands with all the stuff he was carrying), and was relieved to find the common room empty.

At least, he thought it was empty. He nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard a muffled, sleepy-sounding voice say, "Stupid water beans."

"Hermione," he muttered. She'd been studying for the O.W.L.s and the N.E.W.T.s again, though the O.W.L.s weren't for another few months and the N.E.W.T.s weren't for a few more years—at least not for her. It was the fourth time he'd found her sleeping in the common room, lying on a couch with various books scattered around and on top of her. She had one hell of a habit of muttering in her sleep, too. Shaking his head, he went over to wake her.

"I figured it out, Penelope," Hermione mumbled. "Basilisk…"

Fred stopped. He knew instantly that she was reliving the moments in her second year, right before she and Penelope Clearwater had gotten petrified. He gave her a look of pity; he knew Ron had a few nightmares about some of the things he, Harry, and Hermione had been through, and Ginny had bad dreams about the Chamber of Secrets all the time. Fred could only imagine the horrors of giant spiders, snakelike monsters almost as big as dragons, facing the Dark Lord, fighting dementors, and so on. The things that must plague the lot of them…

"Look around the corner with the mirror! It's probably on the loose," Hermione moaned, her voice scared and anguished. Fred admired her strength; to deal with all that she'd faced…

"'Mione, c'mon, wake up," he whispered, setting his food down on a nearby table. "Time for bed."

"We have to find Harry and Ron…"

"'Mione!" Fred shook her shoulder gently.

"Ahh!" Hermione let out a miniature scream, and Fred jumped, then realized she had probably reached the point in her dream when the basilisk had petrified her. She seemed to rest easier after that, and Fred was suddenly reluctant to wake her up. He stared gathering the notes and books spread out across her body and the floor, stacking them up on one of the common room tables. As he plucked _An Advanced Guide to Transfiguration_ from her chest, she smiled and let out a happy giggle.

Deciding it would be best to let her sleep, he slid an arm under her back and another under her knees, lifting her up and cradling her against his chest. He carried her over to the girls' dormitory and up to the top, where the fifth-years roomed.

It was easy to pick out Hermione's bed, and would have been even if the other beds hadn't been full. The bed was crisply made, and the nightstand was neat and orderly. While the other girls had magazines, makeup, and clothes strewn around their beds and on their trunks, Hermione's space was completely clean, and a copy of _Hogwarts: A History_ lay open on the nightstand. He laid her gently on the bed, being quiet so as not to wake up Hermione's dorm mates.

He shouldn't have bothered; the light from the open door was shining right onto Parvati Patil's bed and into her face; she woke up and caught sight of Fred, and her gasp woke Lavender Brown. They both looked up and gaped at Fred, who was climbing off the bed where he'd just set down Hermione and tucked the blankets around her.

He knew he should explain, but the troublemaker in him reared its ugly head. "Evening, ladies," he said with a grin. "Sorry to wake you; I was trying to… avoid that."

Parvati squinted at him. "George? George Weasley?"

"Fred, actually," he told her cheerfully, then walked to the door. "Goodnight."

The moment the door closed, he could hear Lavender and Parvati break out into whispers. Laughing at the thought of what their conversation was probably about, he turned and went back downstairs to retrieve his food.

* * *

"Hermione Granger! When were you going to tell us you and Fred were seeing each other?"

Parvati's words startled Hermione back into consciousness. Disoriented, she pulled down her comforters. Sunlight was streaming through her bed hangings, which were open—odd, she usually left them closed when she slept… "What?" she asked groggily.

Lavender and Parvati were standing by her bed. "When were you going to tell us you've been seeing Fred Weasley?"

Hermione blinked. "Lavender, what on earth are you talking about? I'm not seeing Fred."

"Then what was he doing in your bed?" Parvati demanded.

"Are you crazy? He wasn't in my bed…" She trailed off, abruptly realizing that she'd not made it back to the dormitory last night at all. Fred had woken her up before, as had quite a few other Gryffindors who found her using her books as pillows. Deciding he must have carried her back up to her dorm instead of disturbing her, she shook her head. "I fell asleep in the common room," she told them, "Fred just didn't want to wake me."

"Is _that _the best you can come up with?" Parvati said, rolling her eyes. "How would you know, if you were asleep, hmm?"

"Admit it; you've been shagging him for ages, haven't you? Do Harry and Ron know?" Lavender said excitedly before Hermione could reply. "How do you avoid confusing him and George? Oh, god, _have_ you ever confused him and George?"

"Why didn't you tell anyone? He's only in seventh year, he's not that much older," Parvati added, "and everyone knows you're friends with all the Weasleys."

"How come you never got caught? Don't you usually stay over at the Weasleys' during the summer?"

"Is that why you never came to bed early? Oh, my god, you weren't staying in the common room to study—you were waiting for everyone to go to sleep so you and Fred could—"

"Oh, go away," Hermione said irritably, rather amazed that they could get so elaborate so quickly. "I told you, I'm not sleeping with Fred. I've never even kissed Fred. Let me sleep."

Hermione pulled the blankets over her head, relieved to hear Lavender and Parvati leave the room.

* * *

"Harry! Ron! Is it true?"

Harry Potter and Ron Weasley looked up as Lavender and Parvati came bounding down the girls' dormitory stairs. They'd only just come down to head to breakfast, counting on running into Hermione on the way, but found only her books neatly stacked on the table. "Is what true?" Harry asked warily.

"Is Hermione really sleeping with Fred!" Lavender exclaimed.

"What!" Harry and Ron shouted together.

"Of course Hermione's really sleeping with Fred," said a voice from behind them. The four of them turned as Fred, George, and Lee Jordan descended the stairs into the common room. It was Fred who had spoken. "Has been for months, as a matter of fact. And let me tell you, she's great in bed—"

"Ew!" Lavender and Parvati shrieked. "Come on, I've got to tell Padma!" Parvati said, and dragged Lavender out the portrait hole.

The moment they were gone, Fred, George and Lee looked over at the horrified expressions on Ron and Harry's faces and burst out laughing. "Can't believe they bought it, the stupid idiots," George gasped. "This is a good one, Fred."

"Wait," Harry said, "you _aren't_… er… dating Hermione?"

Fred waved his hand dismissively. "Of course not. She fell asleep in the common room and I carried her upstairs. When Lavender and Parvati woke up I couldn't resist having a bit of fun, you know?" The three seventh years laughed again. "I can't help it if they got the wrong idea." He schooled his features into a straight face. "It's not like I said, 'Oh, yeah, Hermione and I just finished getting it on, be good and don't tell anyone.'" He laughed again, clutching his sides.

"You certainly could've helped it, and you know it!" Ron said hotly. "Now everyone's going to think she's a slut, just like last year with that nasty Rita Skeeter! That was really terrible of you—"

"Oh, be quiet, Ron. It'll all blow over. No one'll really care; it's just a harmless joke."


	2. Public Displays of Affection

**Chapter Two** _Public Displays of Affection_

By lunchtime, nearly all of Hogwarts knew about the Fred and Hermione scandal. Parvati told her twin sister, Padma, which ensured that almost every Ravenclaw would know within a few hours. Lavender visited the Hufflepuff table during breakfast, eagerly filling in her fifth-year friends on all the things she'd heard or presumed; before long there wasn't a Hufflepuff who hadn't heard. The Slytherins caught snippets of the conversations off the Hufflepuffs during their first class; soon the entire Slytherin house knew about "Potter's Mudblood whore's flea-bitten, Muggle-loving blood traitor of a boyfriend." Even the portraits and ghosts were exchanging gossip.

The Gryffindor fifth-years had potions right after the seventh-years, and Hermione was waiting for Snape to dismiss the class, her hand clenching and unclenching around her wand. Snape was keeping the class over for some reason—probably punishing them—and it was pissing her off even more.

For she had resolved to kill Fred.

Gryffindors in her year had the morning off, and she'd gone to the library to study. All day, she'd put up with jeers about Fred and people running up to ask about her "relationship" with him. When Lavender had finally told her, "That's not what he said," during lunch, Hermione had skived off Arithmancy to storm up to the north tower, where Harry and Ron had told her the whole story before they went to Divination.

So Hermione had been waiting for fifteen minutes now, having showed up early… which was stupid of her, she now realized, as Snape wouldn't have released the class early without having had a lobotomy. Other Gryffindors were turning up now, as were Slytherins, who made a few sneering remarks at her, but she didn't even hear them through her blind rage. Eventually everyone became fixated on a Ron-and-Harry-versus-Malfoy fight; that is, until Fred and George walked out. She suddenly realized that she was too worked up to tell them apart and didn't know which twin to curse into oblivion.

"Stupid prat," one of them said, probably in reference to Snape. "I'm about ready to blow off Herbology, what'd'ya say, Fred?"

Some dim corner of her brain said _Ah ha! _but she had already acted, leaping forward and pinning Fred to the wall. The shocked-as-hell look on his face was comical (or would have been if she hadn't been so homicidal she'd actually forgotten about drawing her wand).

Fred recovered from his surprise quickly, grinning at her in a way that infuriated her more. "Why, Hermione, dear, I know you like it rough but I thought we'd talked about public displays of affection—"

George was making a strangled sound in his throat that might have been a cover for laughter. The seventh-year Gryffindors that had elected to take potions in their last year—including Lee, and Fred's occasional date for dances or Hogsmeade weekends, Angelina Johnson—were watching with as much interest as the fifth-year Gryffindors and Slytherins.

"You… I'll kill you… you… piece… of… shit…" Hermione spat. "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?"

"What?" Fred asked innocently. "Oh, you mean how I told everyone about… _us_?" He stressed the last word. Harry, Ron, George, Angelina, and Lee, the only ones who knew the truth, all began shaking their heads frantically, having realized that Hermione was definitely going to kill him and hoping Fred would quit before certain death occurred. "I'm sorry, darling, but Parvati and Lavender caught me leaving last night and I thought it would be useless to try to pretend we weren't seeing each other." With the exception of the five spectator Gryffindors in on the joke (who cringed), everyone's eyes widened at that, including Hermione's.

_"What?"_ she spluttered.

"Don't worry, Hermione, now that our secret is out, things will be so much better. No more getting it on in secret passages and broom closets—don't know why we kept it a secret in the first place."

George smacked his forehead, muttering that his twin was doomed. Hermione drew back her fist, and Fred acted—half to keep himself from receiving a black eye or a broken nose, and half because he just couldn't help himself; the attention of the Gryffindors and Slytherins was egging him on.

He kissed her.

Several books fell from hands. Jaws dropped. Both Hermione and Fred's closest friends looked on with a mixture of horror, awe, shock, and amusement. "Now that's Gryffindor bravery," Lee mumbled.

Fred wasn't sure what possessed him to do it; self-preservation was what he blamed his actions on later. Whatever the reason, he kissed her like there was no tomorrow, sliding his tongue inside her open mouth. Hermione's shock wasn't wearing off—meaning she hadn't bitten his tongue in two—and Fred reached up and ran his fingers through her hair, wishing suddenly that he'd kissed her in a way that didn't mean he'd just committed suicide. Harry and Ron exchanged glances with George, Lee, and Angelina; the moments stretched and, while the five of them knew from Hermione's stance (she had stiffened with her fist still poised to strike, and she wasn't moving) that she wasn't reciprocating it, it was still an awfully long time for her to not gather her wits.

Hermione, meantime, felt her resolve weakening as he caressed her mouth with his own, and the therapeutic feeling of his hands in her hair made her eyes droop and close. Later she would blame it on surprise and mental health issues, but she kissed back.

Fred was startled beyond belief when she responded. He could tell her fist was still drawn back, and perhaps it was the fact that Fred knew he was in for it when he stopped, or (more likely) perhaps it was the fact that Hermione was a good kisser, but Fred eventually drew her against him with one hand and held her tightly around the waist.

Unfortunately, the motion snapped her out of it. She pulled back after only a moment in his arms, ready to knock him silly—he'd kissed her! In front of her classmates! After telling them some bogus lie!

Yet even more unfortunately, she hadn't pulled away soon enough. Professor Snape had come into the hall, wondering why no one was entering his class and why the corridor was eerily quiet when he could see several Gryffindors from his desk.

Snape, startled and disgusted, took a step back at almost the same instant as Hermione, and saved Fred from his bloody fate, however inadvertently. "Weasley! Granger! _What is the meaning of this!"_

The whole lot of them—Slytherins and Gryffindors alike—jumped in surprise. Hermione didn't turn around, staring at Fred with a mortified expression, her arm still raised to beat him senseless. "Detention, both of you," Snape barked. "The rest of you, inside, now."

No one moved. "I said now!" Snape fairly shouted. Everyone jumped again, scrambling to retrieve dropped books and bags.

Hermione's eyes narrowed. With a kick in the shins that made Fred yelp, she picked up her bag and flounced inside the classroom.


	3. One Good Joke Deserves Another

**Chapter Three**

_One Good Joke Deserves Another_

It was rare to see Hermione so angry, but Ron and Harry knew she was pretty much deadly when pissed off, and she was looking livid—much angrier than they'd ever seen her, even more so than when she'd slapped Draco in their third year. She didn't even notice that her robe had slipped off her shoulder when Fred had kissed her and was showing her bra strap, or that her hair looked rather bizarre and a lot fluffier from Fred's fingers in it, or that her pale pink lip gloss was smeared. She wouldn't speak at all during potions, and by the time the class ended she looked rather weary and drained.

"Hermione…" Harry began as they headed to the Great Hall.

"What?" she said harshly.

"Everyone will forget about it soon, don't worry," Harry told her, trying to comfort her. Ron nodded emphatically.

Hermione laughed hollowly. "They might have, Harry, if Snape hadn't kept the class over and I'd just decked Fred before everyone showed up. The Slytherins—and Lavender and Parvati—are going to be talking about it for ages now. Not only was there an argument and Fred acting perfectly innocent, but he kissed me. He kissed me in front of _Snape,_ Harry!"

"Come on, 'Mione, you know Fred. He was just milking the crowd, like always. Everyone will forget soon," Ron said.

"He kissed me!" she wailed again. "EW!"

"It couldn't have been _that _bad," Ron said sulkily, "it lasted ages—OW!" Harry had elbowed him hard in the ribs.

Hermione moaned and trudged into the Great Hall, whispers and jeers following the three of them. They didn't see Fred, which was lucky for him, because Hermione had started muttering a list of incantations for gruesome curses under her breath when a Ravenclaw boy called out something incredibly suggestive.

Harry and Ron tried to get her to talk about Quidditch and homework but she would hardly say a word, listlessly picking at her dinner. It was only when George Weasley came up behind Harry and Ron and said "Um… Hermione?" that she looked up.

Harry and Ron ducked, arms over their heads, as Hermione leapt to her feet and drew her wand with the speed of an Auror. "It's George, I'm George!" he yelled, flinging up his hands protectively. "I come in peace!"

There were loud laughs from all around the hall. Hermione sat down, her face flushed with anger and embarrassment. "What do you want?" she snarled.

"Um…" George lowered his arms. "Listen… Fred says he's sorry. And… and…"

Ron saw his older brother's face twitch as George tried to keep down a smile. _Uh-oh,_ he thought.

"Yes?" Hermione prompted, her eyes narrowed.

"And that you're a good kisser," George said with an evil grin.

Hermione chased him clear out of the hall.

* * *

"Hey, Hermione, when's the wedding?"

"Why would anyone consider dating _you_? Paying him, are you, Granger?"

Comments ranging from "You go, girl!" to "Whore!" followed Hermione wherever she went over the next several days. Fred and George avoided the common room like the plague, and Lee always sat far from her when he wasn't hiding with them, his eyes darting to her nervously while she glared but didn't attack.

Harry and Ron told her a dozen times a day that it would pass, but they didn't seem too convinced themselves. Hermione and Fred were the most talked-about couple at Hogwarts, and their "breakup" caused even more gossip.

Three days after the scene outside the potions classroom, Lavender and Parvati sat down at Harry, Ron and Hermione's table. Hermione glared at them, but they stared back, unperturbed. "Hermione," Lavender said, "when are you going to make amends with Fred?"

"I'm telling you," Hermione snapped, her teeth so clenched that it was a wonder she could speak at all, "that there IS no Fred. WE WERE NEVER DATING."

"Sure," Parvati said, rolling her eyes, "he was just bringing you an extra pillow."

"I TOLD YOU—" Hermione began hotly, but Lavender cut her off.

"Look, you don't have to explain anything to us," she interrupted. "But you're ruining a relationship just because of one stupid fight about nothing at all. I don't know why you tried to keep it secret, anyway. We were bound to find out. You always stayed up really late, and when you did come into the dormitory you were always really tired. It doesn't take a genius, you know. You've obviously been shagging him for ages."

Harry and Ron were trying very hard to keep a straight face. Hermione opened her mouth, closed it, and started banging her forehead on the table loudly.

* * *

"Miss Granger, a word, please," Professor McGonagall said at the end of Transfiguration. Hermione waved at Harry and Ron to go on without her and headed up to the teacher's desk. "It has come to my attention," McGonagall said sternly, "that Fred Weasley was in your dormitory, and I must say, I expected better—"

"Not you too!" Hermione moaned, hitting both fists against McGonagall's desk in frustration.

McGonagall gaped at her, taken aback by the interruption. "I beg your pardon?"

"Professor, Fred found me sleeping in the common room and carried me upstairs," Hermione said. "Nothing happened, but Parvati and Lavender saw him leaving and I tried to tell them the truth but he thought it was funny and…" She trailed off, sighing miserably. McGonagall probably wouldn't believe her, either.

McGonagall, to her surprise, chuckled. "Ah, I see. And Mr. Weasley played the crowd, so to speak?" Hermione nodded. "Well, then, Miss Granger, I suggest you do something about it."

"I've tried; no one believes me."

"No, not about the rumors," McGonagall said, her eyes twinkling. "About Mr. Weasley."

"What?"

"Gossip isn't important, girl, don't put so much stock in reversing it. But if I were you, I wouldn't let Mr. Weasley have all the fun, do you understand?"

Hermione's eyes lit up. Revenge, and in a way that wouldn't get her in detention or land her in Azkaban. Now _that_ was an idea…

"Thank you, Professor," Hermione said slowly. "I hadn't thought of that."

McGonagall favored her with a rare smile. "If there's one thing I learned when I was at Hogwarts—and it's largely thanks to James Potter and his crew—it's that one good joke deserves another."


	4. Two Can Play At This Game

**Chapter Four**

_Two Can Play at This Game_

"What did McGonagall want to talk about?" Harry asked as they went down to dinner.

"Homework," Hermione replied without batting an eye.

Harry frowned but didn't say anything. They went in to the Great Hall, and Hermione led them to seats near Lavender and Parvati, which was something Harry also thought was odd—she'd been trying to steer clear of her two roommates. Ginny joined the three of them, sitting down on Hermione's left while Harry and Ron sat across from them. Harry, Ron, and Ginny talked about Quidditch for a while, falling quiet when Hermione cleared her throat.

"Guys... I have something I need to say, and, well... you're my best friends, so... here goes," Hermione said hesitantly. She blushed, and Harry saw Lavender and Parvati stop talking, their food forgotten. "I... I..."

"What?" Harry prompted.

"I... I really have been sleeping with Fred!" Hermione said in a rush. She grabbed her bag and ran from the hall at the stunned looks on their faces, leaving them in total disbelief.

* * *

"Hey, Fred!"

Fred turned to see Lavender and Parvati hurrying to catch up with him, Angelina, George, Lee, Alicia Spinnet, and Katie Bell. They both looked excited, and he exchanged a look with George and Lee. "Guess what!" Lavender told him. "Hermione's just admitted that she _was_ seeing you!"

"What?!" Six startled faces stared at her.

"It's true," Parvati added. "We overheard her telling Harry, Ron, and Ginny at dinner. She ran off afterwards; I think she felt bad about lying to them. But maybe she's not mad at you anymore, you know? You should try to reconcile."

With that, the two girls left, leaving the others to gaze after them in surprise. "What's she playing at?" George said finally.

"_Have_ you been sleeping with her?" Angelina asked, sounding slightly accusatory.

_"What?"_ the others exclaimed, gaping at her.

"They said they overheard her telling Harry. If she was just trying to mess with Parvati and Lavender, she would've told them directly, wouldn't she? She wouldn't tell Harry and Ron and Ginny something if it was bogus; they're always in on the joke with her, right?"

"Yeah," Alicia said. "She wouldn't play a prank on them and she wouldn't hurt them by lying to them."

"I never slept with Hermione!" Fred said impatiently. "I don't know what's going through her head, but—"

"YOU!"

They turned to see an enraged Ron stomping towards them with his wand in his hand, Harry and Ginny close on his heels, looking winded; they'd probably been chasing Ron all the way from the Great Hall. "HOW COULD YOU SLEEP WITH _HERMIONE?!" _Ron raged, advancing on Fred.

"Ron!" Ginny began as Ron aimed his wand at Fred's heart. She started to say more, but she was breathing too heavily to get the words out.

"Ron, I didn't sleep with her!" Fred said, backing up, his hands up pleadingly. "I swear!"

"Then why did she say you did!" Ron yelled, still marching forward.

"I don't know, ask her!" he retorted. "I'm telling you, it's all just a joke!"

Ron stopped, and so did Fred, having backed against the wall. Ron glared at him, and then strode off, his hands balled into fists. Harry and Ginny hurried to catch up.

Fred let out a shuddering breath. "Okay, this is not good," he muttered.

* * *

It wasn't long before over a half-dozen Gryffindors approached Hermione in the common room, demanding to know the whole story. Hermione was prepared for this.

"We started dating over the summer, after I broke up with Viktor Krum, and we decided not to tell anyone—so that the whole school wasn't butting in on our business." She gazed around sternly at everyone. "Guess it didn't work out too well, did it?"

The other Gryffindors left, and Harry, Ron, and Ginny, who'd been sitting at the table with her, stared at her. "You've been dating since summer?" Ron demanded angrily.

"I'm sorry, Ron," Hermione told him. "I just couldn't bring myself to tell you. I wanted to, but I wasn't sure how you'd take it, and... well... I don't know. You were so angry about Krum that I didn't want to even think about what you might say about me dating your brother."

Ron sighed, and began to work on his homework again, obviously upset. "Are you going to make up with him, then?" he asked, sounding rather harsh.

Hermione nodded. "I... well, yes, I want to."

She could tell Ron was buying her charade, but she wasn't sure either Harry or Ginny were. The two of them exchanged glances, and she swallowed.

Ron appeared flustered as they continued working, and eventually he packed up his books and stormed up to the dormitory. Hermione cringed, feeling horrible. She knew Ron was upset... but she also knew that once this was over, he'd give her an awed pat on the back, proclaiming it the best joke he'd ever seen.

Only a few minutes after Ron had left, Fred, George, and Lee came down, all looking nervous. Walking as slowly as a pirate's prisoner being forced to walk the plank, Fred gulped and approached her, sitting down in Ron's empty chair next to Hermione. She gathered up her courage; now, with Parvati and Lavender sitting not far away and Fred making the opportunity, she would have to implement the next stage of her plan. She began packing up her homework, preparing to make a hasty retreat.

"Listen, 'Mione," he said tentatively, fearing an angry reaction, "I..."

He trailed off as Hermione sighed, standing up and sliding her shoulders into the straps on her bag. He waited for her to leave, but instead she faced him. "Fred?" she said. "I... I'm sorry."

She bent down and kissed him, placing her hand on his shoulder, more to keep him from falling off of his chair in shock than anything else.

Just as she was leaning away, Fred placed his hands on the back of her head, returning her kiss. Hermione opened her mouth, which surprised him, but he took advantage of it. _Two can play at this game, _he thought. There were loud catcalls and whistles from around the common room, and Hermione surprised him even more by straddling his lap and putting her hands on his chest. His brain felt a bit fuzzy, and, when Hermione pulled away, he realized with a start that he hadn't wanted the kiss to end.

He opened his eyes. Hermione was gone.

* * *

The halls buzzed with talk about it for several days. Fred heard it everywhere he went, as did George, who was easily mistaken for Fred quite often by people who didn't know the twins well. Fred eventually started following George's example when people approached him and asked about Hermione, telling them shortly that he was George, not Fred, and had no idea what was going on. This was somewhat difficult, as the twins were rarely apart (and even the thickest Slytherin could tell that both twins couldn't be George), but it helped some.

He was growing more and more confused. Hermione was now avoiding him whenever possible, and he had a hard time catching her around people who wouldn't spread the story all over school. Why had she kissed him?

A few days after the incident in the common room, when Fred was finally starting to decide that maybe he should forget it, he received a note from Professor McGonagall, telling him that his detention would take place on December 2. He saw Hermione receive a similar letter at breakfast, and a ray of hope shone through the confusion. He might get to be alone with Hermione, which meant he might finally get some answers.


	5. At It Again

**Chapter Five**

_At It Again_

Hermione showed up for her detention in Muggle clothing, and Fred's jaw dropped instantly. She was wearing a pair of tight, flared-leg black pants and a low-cut green shirt that showed off way more than Fred had realized she'd had. Snape yelled at her about her outfit, but Hermione pointed out that they didn't have to wear uniforms when they weren't in class and Snape let it go after deducting five points from Gryffindor "for impertinence."

They had to polish all the trophies in the trophy room—which was a hell of a lot—without magic. Snape left them alone after barking instructions, and Fred turned to Hermione. She was up on a ladder, polishing a large trophy already, and her back was to him. Fred gave her butt an appreciative look before speaking. "All right, Herm, spill. Why'd you do it?"

"Do what?" she asked, scrubbing at a bit of dirt on the edge of the trophy.

"Why did you kiss me, of course."

"Why did _you_ kiss _me_?" she returned calmly. Fred felt himself getting annoyed.

"Because you were going to hit me. Besides, I wanted to mess with everyone's heads."

"Well, then, there you go. Hand me that bucket, will you?"

"Hermione! Answer my question!"

"Fine. I honestly don't know why I did it."

"Yes, you do!" he retorted. "You don't go telling people you've been sleeping with me for no reason!"

"You did," she pointed out. _"Accio bucket!"_ she added, and the bucket soared up towards her.

"What, so this is revenge?" he demanded.

"No, silly, revenge would be beating you bloody." Hermione hung the bucket on the top of the ladder and looked appraisingly at the giant trophy in front of her.

"So, what is it, then?"

"Fun," she replied simply.

He glared at her for a moment, then sighed. "Honestly, Hermione, this is getting old. I think we should come clean."

"Oh?" she said. "Then go ahead. Tell everyone you were lying."

He grinned, realization dawning. "Oh, I get it. You're just trying to make me tell the truth."

"Am I?" Hermione leaped down off the ladder and faced him coolly, but mentally she kicked herself; she'd just set her plan back pretty far, but at least she'd be messing with his head more now. "Then I wouldn't do it again."

"What do you mean?" he said, narrowing his eyes at her.

"I mean, I wouldn't do it again," she repeated, and she leaned up and kissed him again, their mouths colliding in a familiar way that had been haunting him. She pressed her body against his, and he no longer cared about why, he only knew that he'd missed kissing her and would miss it again the moment it was over.

"Well," said a soft, dangerous voice behind them, and they both jumped, guiltily breaking apart, mortified as they turned to stare at Professor Snape. Fred could've kicked himself; of course, Snape had left them alone so he could catch them at it again. _Why didn't I think of that? Oh, yeah… because I didn't expect to BE "at it again."_

He swallowed; Snape was smiling, which was never a good thing. "Twenty points from Gryffindor, and another detention each." He swept out again.

"See what you did?" Hermione said crossly, and climbed the ladder again.

"What I did!" Fred repeated, gaping at her. "What _I_ did! Excuse me?"

Hermione refused to speak to him again, and he spent the rest of the detention scrubbing trophies, watching her body in the reflection on the glass display cases; her chest swayed as she bent over to clean or when she ran the brush across a large plaque, and when he couldn't see that he watched her butt as she worked. She didn't say another word until she came across an award in one of the cases. He noticed she paled and wouldn't touch it.

"Why does Dumbledore keep this stupid thing?" she demanded angrily. "Tom Riddle, special services to the school my ass…"

He tried to get her talking about it, hoping that if he could get her talking about one thing maybe he could move the subject around eventually, but Hermione would have none of it. She cleaned harder after seeing the trophy, until Fred was cleaning one trophy to her four as he watched her movements even more. She was pretty, really—high cheekbones and full lips, large brown eyes and clear skin; she'd taken to braiding her hair (at Ginny's encouragement), which disguised the fact that it was so bushy, and he'd noticed last year that her teeth were now even and her smile much more beautiful. The bossy, goody-two-shoes little girl of five years ago had been replaced by… well, by a bossy, hot sixteen-year-old. He had known several guys—other than Ron and Neville Longbottom, who'd both had a crush on her for ages—that had started taking an interest in her. Hell, at the Quidditch World Cup, Oliver Wood had made a remark about Hermione that had made Fred and George's jaws drop; Fred couldn't remember it exactly, but it was something to the effect of "She really is hot; pity she's only fourteen." He and George had both been startled and had looked at her, heads tilted to the side as they realized what Oliver had apparently already figured out, that Hermione was pretty. Still, neither of them had thought much about it. She was Ron's friend, Ginny's friend, for all she was to them she might as well _be_ Ginny.

_Nope, not any more, _he thought hazily, watching her in the gleam of a freshly polished trophy.

It was almost midnight when they'd finished, and by the time Fred looked up from his last trophy, Hermione was gone.

* * *

Hermione was halfway up the staircase to the girls' dormitory when she bumped into someone, knocking her off-balance and nearly sending her toppling down the steps. A hand reached out to steady her, and she looked up to realize she'd just walked straight into Ginny.

"We need to talk," Ginny said quietly, plopping down on the stairs right in front of Hermione. Hermione sighed, knowing that even if she wormed her way out of talking now, Ginny would make it a top priority to make Hermione talk later. She sat down next to Ginny, deciding to get it over with.

"What is it?" Hermione asked, though she thought she had a pretty good idea of what Ginny wanted.

"You know perfectly well what is it," Ginny said bluntly. "What's going on?"

"In regards to what?" Hermione said carefully.

Ginny snorted. "Don't play dumb, 'Mione."

Hermione sighed again. "Fred, huh?"

Ginny nodded, rolling her eyes. "You've never slept with him; have you, 'Mione." It was a statement, not a question.

"What makes you so sure?" Hermione replied, uncertain whether she should be offended that Ginny was sure Fred hadn't had sex with Hermione.

"Because you would have told me!" Ginny exclaimed, exasperated. "We tell each other almost everything, you idiot, I'm certain you didn't mention shagging my older brother. I think I would remember if you had. There's no way in hell you would have gone and hooked up with Fred without telling me, sooner or later. So what's _really_ going on with you two?"

Hermione smiled faintly. "I'm sorry, Gin, you're right. I shouldn't have left you in the dark about this. In all honesty, he really did just carry me upstairs and Parvati and Lavender saw him leave… and then Fred was being such a prick that, well…"

Ginny gaped at her for quite some time before she slowly grinned. "You're trying to get him back, aren't you?"

Hermione nodded, feeling more than a little ashamed. Ginny, however, burst out laughing. "This is great!" she exclaimed through her laughter. "I didn't know you had it in you!"

"It was McGonagall's idea," Hermione said sheepishly.

Ginny raised an eyebrow. "McGonagall? As in, _McGonagall!"_

"No, Ginny, McGonagall as in Hagrid. Yes, McGonagall."

Ginny shook her head. "The weirdness never stops. So… what all are you planning? Is that why you're dressed like you actually do know you have boobs?"

"Ginny!" Hermione cried.

"Well, you've never dressed like that before," Ginny said defensively. "Especially not at school. I didn't even know you owned clothes like that."

"My aunt took me on a shopping spree last summer," Hermione said. "I have tons of outfits like this."

"Well, you're going to need them," Ginny said, an evil gleam in her eye. "It's time my dear older brother learned a lesson."

"Definitely," Hermione said, smiling.


	6. A Bit More Complicated

**Chapter Six**

_A Bit More Complicated_

George and Lee were waiting up for Fred when he got back to the dormitory. "Well?" George asked eagerly.

Fred sighed. He'd told both George and Lee about how he'd been hoping to get answers out of Hermione; they were both putting as much thought into what her problem was as Fred was. "All I got out of her was another detention," he said glumly.

"How the hell did you manage that?" Lee demanded.

"She kissed me again."

"She did _what_?!" George and Lee exclaimed at the same time.

"She kissed me again," Fred repeated irritably. "And Snape showed up. Again."

George and Lee stared at him. "Well," George said finally, "I think it's safe to say she's lost it."

"You should have seen what she was wearing," Fred said, flopping down on his bed. "What _the hell_ is she _doing?"_

"I don't know, mate, but you've got to do something about her," Lee said. "If this keeps up, you guys will be shagging by Christmas holidays."

George raised his eyebrows. "And the downside of that would be...?"

_"George,"_ Fred whined. "She's... she's evil. She's prissy, bossy, evil—"

"And hot," George supplied. "Face it, brother mine, you don't make out like that with a girl three times for no good reason. She's up to something. She's declared war."

"Why?" Lee asked no one in particular. "What's her motive? How is she getting back at him by making everyone think they're shagging in broom closets?"

"I don't know," George said slowly. "Maybe she's _not_ trying to get back at him." His eyes widened suddenly. "Maybe she's trying to get _with_ him!"

_"What?"_ Lee and Fred said in unison.

"Come on, think about it. You like a girl, you flirt with said girl. And today she kissed you when no one was around—it's about more than keeping up the charade now. Maybe she's trying to make you like her. By making your hormones like her."

"My hormones already like her," Fred said, rolling his eyes. "That's not a bad theory, but it's not at all like Hermione."

"When was the last time _Hermione_ was like Hermione lately?" George replied. "Maybe all those little adventures with Harry and Ron pushed her off the deep end or something, gave her a few too many head injuries. But you've kissed her once. She's kissed you twice. And Lee's right, if this keeps up you'll be shagging by Christmas."

"I don't know—I find it a bit hard to believe that she'd try to seduce me," Fred said skeptically.

"She's playing something, there's no doubt about that," Lee said with a sigh.

Fred sat up suddenly. "Well, she's playing with the wrong Weasley. She wants war, I'll give her war." He grinned mischievously. "I don't know what her problem is. But her most likely motive is getting back at me, making me tell the truth. Well, let her try. I'll show her!"

"I know that look," George said, staring at Fred as though he might be dangerous. "That look means you're prepared to do something stupid. Something very reckless, including absolute mayhem and a rule-breaking plan that's going to get us all in very deep trouble with Hermione, Filch, McGonagall, probably Snape somehow and maybe even Dumbledore."

"Are you in?" Fred asked him calmly.

"Oh, hell yeah. I'm very in."

They sat up late into the night discussing ideas, but in the end they didn't come up with much. All they had was a somewhat suicidal plan to find her and to get her to talk.

Unfortunately for Fred, winning his little war wasn't what was truly at the top of his to-do list. After tonight, he wasn't sure he'd ever look at Hermione in the same way again. A large part of him was confused, but he understood enough of the mess to realize that he was slowly developing feelings for Hermione Granger, and if he didn't sort things out soon, he was going to be in for it. He was on dangerous ground, and things were about to get deadly.

* * *

Fred's plan was simple: drag the truth out of Hermione at all costs. The twins and Lee had compiled a list of just how to do this... and if none of them worked, Fred figured he'd just make out with Hermione and then ask her what was going on while she was still stunned, which would be fun even if it didn't work. Meanwhile, if she wanted to act like Fred had been telling the truth, Fred would not only go along, he would further the rumor.

He called it Operation Karma, which basically meant he was going to give what he got, and she was going to get what she gave, and he was going to win. Unfortunately, he had no real plan beyond that, so he figured he'd just go with the flow and come up with another idea somewhere along the line.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Lee asked for the fifth time as the three of them marched to the library.

"Yes."

"Fred, it's not that this isn't a decent plan. It just might be a bad idea for you to make it a mission to antagonize our brother's best friend," George said.

"And long-standing crush," Lee added.

"Who's a Prefect," George said.

"And really, really good at Defense Against the Dark Arts," Lee pointed out.

"If you just want to make out with her, say so," George continued, smirking.

Fred stopped at the library doors with his hand on the knob and glared at George. "It is _not_ about kissing her! Yes, she's good at it. No, it's not my motive. I'm going to get to her and figure out what the hell is going on. Unless you guys have got a better plan, this is it. We're going to mess with her head, and then we're going to figure out something else to do."

Fred burst through the door. Hermione, the only patron, looked up in surprise and mild anxiety before her face became expressionless. "Hello, darling," Fred drawled.

"Hello," she said calmly, turning back to her books. She began to pack them up, just as she had done in the common room. The three boys looked at each other, wondering what their next move should be. Then George stepped forward, dutifully trying to help his brother.

"Come now," George said cheerfully, sitting down next to her. "Is that all your 'boyfriend' gets? A hello and a cold shoulder?"

Hermione looked up at him. "We 'broke up,' Fred, remember?"

George blinked. _Oops,_ he thought, swallowing as she stared at him coolly. _She wasn't paying attention when I came over, she thinks I'm Fred—holy shit!_

Just as he opened his mouth to point out that he was George, Hermione leaned in to kiss him. George suddenly understood just why Hermione was driving his twin brother insane. She kissed like Aphrodite herself. He'd never kissed a girl who was half as good. Before he knew what he was doing, he was pulling her onto his lap. It was a good long while before he came back to reality—and it would have been a longer while if Lee hadn't cleared his throat loudly (well, it was pretty loud by the fifth time, which was when George finally heard him).

George's eyes snapped open and he pulled back. Hermione kissed him a few more times on the lips, quickly, barely anything deeper than pecks, though by the third one George was prepared to return to full-out making out. Hermione abruptly stood, grabbed her bag, and was sauntering out the door before any of them could blink.

"Stop her!" George yelled belatedly, shaking his head in an attempt to clear the mental fog. "Stop that girl! I forgot to tell her I'm not Fred!"

Fred was gaping at him. Gaping, in pure, undiluted shock. Lee was trying not to laugh.

"Okay, Fred," George said, rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment. "This is a bit more complicated than we thought."

* * *

Ginny was talking to Harry and Ron in the common room. What they were discussing, Hermione couldn't care less about. She threw her bag down on their table, grabbed Ginny by the arm and without a word dragged Ginny straight out the portrait hole and down the hall to the girls' toilets. She checked to make sure they were alone, cast an Imperturbable Charm on the door and let out a scream so loud that Ginny screamed back in surprise and nervousness.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!" Ginny asked when they'd both calmed down.

"I—I kissed—AAAAAAAHHHH!" Hermione screamed again.

"You kissed Fred, right?" Ginny said, confused. Hermione shook her head and moaned. "Then who... oh, gods above, 'Mione. Tell me you didn't."

"I thought he was Fred!" Hermione wailed. "What the hell did I get myself into?!"

"How do you know it was George?" Ginny demanded.

"It clicked when I was making my hasty exit and heard him yelling he forgot to tell me he wasn't Fred," Hermione snapped.

"Well, what exactly happened?"

Hermione quickly related the story. "I can't believe it," she added afterwards. "I mean, I looked down, and when I looked up, there was a Weasley twin next to me saying 'is that all your boyfriend gets' and giving me that annoying little smirk. I thought for sure he was Fred."

Ginny bit her lip. "Well, that was a pretty major case of mistaken identity, but to tell you the truth, I don't think this matters in the scheme of things. It sounds like George enjoyed it as much as Fred—"

"Maybe even more than," Hermione muttered.

"—so George will be a lot more understanding of Fred. Which means George will help Fred solve the little mystery at all costs. Which means they'll play right into our hands. But I think there's a slight problem—they know we're playing a game."

"What do you mean?"

"They know you're up to something, fooling with their heads. They don't believe this is about you liking Fred. So let's make them believe it."

"How?" Hermione asked, wincing at the evil look on Ginny's face.

"You'll see."

"Uh-oh."


	7. A Purely Evil Plan

**Chapter Seven**

_A Purely Evil Plan_

"Okay, now _this_ is what I'm talking about. A purely _evil_ plan. Evil with a capital MWAHAHA!" Fred cackled, rubbing his hands together gleefully.

"Hermione's going to beat you to death, you realize that, right?" Lee said desperately. Over the years, Lee had become almost as close to the twins as they were to each other, but he was always the last of the three of them to come up with a crazy scheme and the first person to say "Guys, this is a bad idea. This is one of those times when we actually shouldn't do it." In other words, unlike the twins, Lee had some small shred of sanity.

"It'll be a small price to pay for the look on her face," George said, grinning. "It really will."

Fred stopped and gave him a dirty look. "George, that wasn't entirely too supportive."

"Oh, right." George's grin disappeared instantly and he glared at Lee. "She's not going to beat him to death. She'll be too shocked. And even if she isn't, Fred can run faster. …I think."

"Thanks, George," Fred said, rolling his eyes.

The three of them approached the portrait hole and gave the Fat Lady the password. They'd given Hermione plenty of time to get back from the library… and sure enough, there she was, sitting with Harry, Ron, and Ginny in the corner. Fred gave her a cold smile and raised his eyebrows, giving her enough time to realize something big was coming. Then he pasted an angry, hurt look on his face, resisting the urge to do a happy dance when he saw Parvati and Lavender turn to look in his direction.

"I can't believe you!" Fred roared, so loudly half the common room jumped. "Just when I thought we were past this! Just when I thought we could be together again!"

A look of fury and indignation flashed across her face as she understood what he was doing, but the expression was gone in an instant and her face became impassive. Ginny glowered at Fred, George, and Lee, while Harry and Ron simply looked bewildered. _So Ginny knows what's really going on… interesting,_ Fred thought, filing that information away for later.

"How could you, Hermione?" Fred went on. "How _could_ you?"

"What's he talking about, 'Mione?" Harry asked suspiciously.

"I'll tell you what I'm talking about!" Fred shouted. "She _kissed my brother!"_ It took all his willpower not to grin at the reactions of everyone in the room. Gasps, whispers, laughs, shocked stares… oh, the look on Harry's face, it was priceless…

Hermione stood up. She looked shaky and on the verge of tears; Fred wondered briefly if he'd really upset her before it dawned on him that she, too, was acting. "I'm sorry, Fred," she said in a voice barely above a whisper, which still reached every ear in the silent common room. "He… you look so much alike!"

"That's no excuse!" Fred bellowed. "We've been together for ages! We've known each other for _years_! You should know me by now!"

"The Fred I know wouldn't have gone around telling everyone what we'd both agreed not to tell," Hermione spat, her voice rising. "The Fred I know wouldn't have thought it was funny! The Fred I know wouldn't have gotten me detention and embarrassed me in public! The Fred I know would know that my kissing George wasn't entirely my fault!" She was fairly screaming now. "George could have told me I was making a mistake at any time! He knew I thought he was you before I kissed him, and he could have said something! Did he? No! He could've pushed me away at any time! Did he? No! He just pulled me onto his lap and kept on kissing me! He decided having fun was more important than the feelings of his twin or his friend!" She turned to glare at George.

George swallowed, blushed and looked away, not enjoying this unexpected turn. Dozens of people turned to look at him curiously as he decided the ceiling was incredibly interesting.

It took Fred a second to come up with a reply. "Don't make this George's fault! _You're_ the one who came onto _him_!" George nodded emphatically and looked back at Hermione with a "yeah!" sort of look.

"Well maybe if you weren't acting like a different person lately I'd have an easier time of telling you apart," Hermione retorted.

"Don't give me that!" Fred said, racking his brains for ways to make sure he won this particular battle; he was running low on comebacks.

"You know what, Fred? We're broken up at the moment, in case you haven't noticed," Hermione told him, folding her arms over her chest. "I can kiss anyone I want. I don't see how it's any of your business that I kissed George."

"Excuse me?" Fred said shrilly. Okay, now this was getting ridiculous.

"You heard me. So I meant to kiss you and got your twin instead. Oops, my bad!" Her lip curled into a sneer. "News flash: you don't own me."

"Like hell I don't!" Fred snapped. Lee gave him an incredulous look and Fred, realizing he was getting a bit too into character, toned it down a few notches. "You're my girlfriend!"

"I _was_ your girlfriend!" Hermione yelled. "But I'm not now and I won't be again until you pull your head out of your ass!"

"I'll pull my head out of my ass when you do! And stay the hell away from my brother!" Fred shouted back.

"I can't help it if _George_ is a good kisser!"

With that, Hermione grabbed her stuff and ran up the stairs to her room. Ginny gave her brothers a knowing smirk before chasing after Hermione with a faked look of I'm-the-best-friend concern.

"That could have gone better," George moaned as whispers broke out all over the room.

"I'll say," Lee muttered.

"Come on, guys," Fred said with a sigh. "Let's go regroup."

* * *

Harry watched as Fred, George and Lee headed back to their room, and then glanced up the staircase to the girls' dormitory. "Stay here," he told Ron firmly, and headed up to Hermione's room without a backwards glance.

Laughter met his ears as he neared the top of the spiral staircase. "Did you see his face?" he heard Ginny say.

"Forget him; did you see _George's_ face?" Hermione replied through her laughter. "They're going to wish they'd never come to Hogwarts by the time I'm through."

Harry threw open the door, not bothering to knock. Ginny and Hermione, who were sitting on her bed, whipped around to face him with identical deer-in-the-headlights expressions. "Harry!" Hermione exclaimed. "You're… you're not allowed in here…"

"Talk, Hermione," Harry said angrily. "Now."

"Um… about what?"

"Stop it, Hermione. We're your friends, and you're lying to us. Not to mention how upset Ron is over this whole thing. What's going on?"

Hermione sighed and explained. Harry listened, his expression impassive. "I'm sorry, Harry. I didn't know what to do. I just…"

"Hermione," Harry interrupted, "you should have told us. I can't vouch for Ron, but I'm pretty sure he'll be much more okay with this if he knows it's a sham."

"You think Ron will be happy that I plan to screw with his brother's head by kissing him?" Hermione said skeptically.

"No, but I think he'll feel a lot better knowing there was nothing and is nothing going on between you and Fred behind his back," Harry said bluntly. Then he added, "_Our_ backs."

"Okay, I'll tell—" Hermione said, but Harry was already shouting for Ron to come upstairs.

Ron arrived in a few moments, looking bewildered and uncomfortable. "What?"

"Hermione has something to tell you," Harry said, giving Hermione a cool glance.

Hermione swallowed. "Ron, there was nothing going on between Fred and I, and there isn't anything going on now. I've been trying to get him back for lying and kissing me, and he's been fighting back."

Ron stared at her blankly for a good long while. "I'll kill him," he said finally, turning back towards the door.

"Ron!" Ginny exclaimed, grabbing Ron's arm. "Come on, sit down."

"He's started some big drawn out thing to smear my best friend's reputation," Ron snarled. "I'll kill him."

"Ron, stop it. We're going to play the game Fred's way," Harry said practically.

"Any ideas?" Hermione asked him hopefully.

Harry blushed, which made Hermione lean back, startled. "I may have a few," he admitted.


	8. Are You Mad?

**Chapter Eight**

_Are You Mad?_

"I don't believe it," Fred complained. "That should have gone perfect."

"You underestimated her," George said with a sigh.

Fred glared at him. "So did you, buddy. Why don't you go make out with her in the library again and _then_ talk to me about underestimating—"

George held up his hands in surrender. "Calm down. I didn't mean it like that." Fred nodded and gave him an apologetic look. "You know, maybe you should ask her out again."

"What?" Lee knitted his brow. "He never asked her out a first time. And why ask her out?"

"You know what I mean," George said impatiently. "Get a nice public confrontation where Fred asks her to go back out with him. Then she'll have to admit she was playing."

"Or she'll just say no," Lee said.

"Or she'll say yes to put me on the spot," Fred added. He rubbed his hand over his face. "My god, what am I doing? I'm contemplating asking a girl I've never dated to take me back."

"Life is weird like that," Lee joked.

"Well, should we give Operation Karma another shot in the morning?" George said.

"I don't know," Fred said, sighing as he got out his pajamas. "But this is getting to be a real pain."

"So give it up," Lee said with a shrug.

"Give up? Give _up_!" George repeated, looking scandalized.

Fred stared at Lee indignantly. "What's with you, man? Give up, and admit defeat? To a _girl_? A girl without a humorous bone in her body? Are you mad?"

Lee shook his head. "No, but my two best friends are," he replied.

Fred grinned. "Got that right."

He crawled into bed and the three of them said their good nights to each other. Fred lay awake for a good long while, once again contemplating his problems with Hermione.

She was hot. She was hot and she was a damned good kisser. She was also really cool, and intelligent, and brave, and damn, was she a fast thinker. He'd expected her to be stumped as hell when he'd burst in yelling at her about kissing George; but no, she had turned the whole stupid thing back in his face; he'd had an urge to yell "Touché!"

And her kissing George… that had floored him. The moment she'd done it, he'd been overwhelmed with jealousy and a strong, irrational desire to murder his own twin, especially when George had pulled her onto his lap. Fred wanted her. He wanted her a lot.

He didn't know if George and Lee had picked up on his feelings—he knew George would sooner or later, and probably Lee also—but this wasn't about some stupid game. A part of Fred was hoping to have Hermione when their fight was over. A part of him was determined to win. To win not just the game, but her.

* * *

Once again, the halls were buzzing with talk. It no longer did Fred any good to pretend he was George; people wanted to question George just as much as Fred, if not more. The news that George had driven another wedge between Fred and Hermione spread like wildfire.

"You know, if this wasn't all bullshit, I'd probably feel awful," George told Fred jokingly. "I mean, I'm accidentally keeping you and your girlfriend apart."

"Oh shut up, George," Fred muttered.

They were sitting in the Great Hall, waiting on Lee and the girls to join them. Angelina, Alicia, and Katie had been demanding answers, only Fred, George, and Lee hadn't been too sure of what to tell them. They'd toyed with the idea of telling them nothing, but they'd been friends with the girls for almost seven years, and they knew better than to keep the girls in the dark for long (and they knew better than to think they could). However, they'd figured that this plan of theirs was going to take some time for the girls to get used to (in other words, Angelina, Alicia, and Katie were probably going to chew them out about it), and considering Lee had a bit more diplomacy than the twins, they'd decided to let Lee talk to the girls alone.

"I wish he'd hurry up," George said, checking his watch. "I want to be gone by the time Hermione shows."

"Afraid if she kisses you again, you'll shag her right here on the table?" Fred teased.

George gave him a mock-glare. "No, but I'm afraid _you_ might."

Fred was still thinking of a witty reply when someone sat down across from him. His heart stopped as the fear that Hermione was once again about to instigate something swept over him, but as he whipped around, he found Harry, not Hermione. Ron was sitting next to Harry, across from George, both of them looking grim.

"Listen," Harry said with a sigh, "we've just come to tell you that you need to get over this nonsense with Hermione. Settle it, or agree to stay broken up, whatever. But you two can't stay mad at each other."

"Can't we?" Fred said. Doing his best to slip into the proper role, he added, "She made out with my brother, I think I have a right to be angry."

"Gee, I can't see how she could make such a mistake," Ron said dryly. "It's not like he looks exactly like you or anything."

Fred shot him a dirty look, but before he could reply, Harry cut him off. "Listen, Pig just brought us a letter from Mrs. Weasley. She's inviting me and Hermione to come spend the winter holidays with you all at the Burrow."

Fred blinked and let that settle in. "Uh-oh," was all he could think to say.

"Yeah, uh-oh," Harry said coldly. "If you want to carry out this thing with Hermione at the Burrow, see how long it'll be before Mrs. Weasley figures it out and demands an explanation."

"I can just picture the look on Mum's face when she figures out you've been shagging 'Mione since last summer," Ron said with a smirk.

Fred stared back at them, stricken, suddenly feeling rather faint. "She'll kill me," he whispered. "She'll kill me a _lot_."

"Yep," Harry, Ron, and George said in unison.

"What am I going to do?" Fred moaned. He started to speak, started to say the truth, to tell them everything and just keep talking until they believed him. Nothing was worth facing his mother's wrath. He was reminded of years ago, during the summer holidays when Bill had been getting mildly frisky with his girlfriend and Mrs. Weasley had walked in on him. The screaming and scolding had gone on for hours and Bill had been grounded until the end of the summer.

He stopped himself before blurting out the truth, however. It was just what Hermione wanted, for him to spill. Besides, who said Mrs. Weasley had to find out what was going on? Hermione wouldn't tell her; she wanted to live just as much as Fred did. Ron might say something out of anger or jealousy, but… well, Fred could always just deny it if Ron squealed. Fred wasn't ready to lose the battle, not when the chances of Mrs. Weasley finding out and believing the lies were slim.

Fred's expression grew stony. "Well, I guess I'll have to work this out with her, then," he said, in a monotonous, blank voice. "I'll think of something."

Harry and Ron exchanged a look; then, without another word, they got up and left. "That was weird," George remarked thoughtfully.

"Do you think they're in on it?" Fred asked, narrowing his eyes suspiciously at Harry and Ron's retreating backs.

"No," George replied. "They acted too ticked off at us. They've been pissed for days."

"Yeah, you're right."

George nodded. "Of course I am. So… are you mad, or just a bloody idiot? Our dear old mum is going to tear you limb from limb."

"She'll never know," Fred told him firmly. "Even if she does find out, I can always come clean when she does. Then she won't kill me. She'll be angry, but I'll live."

George sighed. "We're going through way too much trouble for this."

"Come on, George, don't wimp out now. Tell you what, if you stick with me I'll let you pretend to be me for awhile so you can kiss her again, deal?"

"Oh, shut up."


	9. New Ideas

**Chapter Nine**

_New Ideas_

Lee hadn't made it back to lunch by the time Fred and George had been forced to leave for fear of running into Hermione, so they met up on the way to Care of Magical Creatures, Lee filling them in quickly on the girls' opinions as they walked across the lawns.

"It's not good," Lee said flatly. "They think you're jackasses for pulling this. They hope Hermione kicks your ass. And they said don't bother trying to be chummy with them until you've stopped being prats."

"Yeah, that's about what I expected them to say," Fred said with a sigh. "Well, when it's all over and done with, we'll all have a good laugh and a butterbeer."

Lee laughed. "By the time this is all over, the entire thing's going to have become so backwards that George will be proposing to Hermione. I mean, this is all funny and everything, but—" Lee stopped. Fred had stopped walking, standing still with a shocked look of realization on his face. "What's with you?" he asked as he and George turned to stare.

"That's brilliant," Fred breathed. "It's bloody brilliant!"

"What's bloody brilliant?" Lee asked, staring at Fred with a careful sort of look, as though Fred might explode and Lee wanted to be prepared to run for the minimum safe distance.

"Oh, no. Not _that_ look," George moaned. "That's the 'epiphany look.' You've just gotten an idea for some crazy scheme that will at the very least have us facing detention until we graduate, and that's if we're lucky. Otherwise, it's off to Azkaban."

"Stop being so fatalistic," Fred said impatiently. "I've got a great idea!"

* * *

"Did they buy it?" Hermione asked in a low voice as she, Harry, and Ron sat in the back of their Charms class, practicing the day's spell.

"He almost cracked," Harry said, sighing. "He stopped himself just in time. Pity; Parvati and Lavender were nearby."

"We'll get him," Ron said. He smiled. "Maybe we should go give Fred our blessing or something, Harry. Say he has our full support in dating our best friend."

Harry chuckled. "Or maybe one of us should go up to him and say we have feelings for 'Mione and want to know if he plans to stay broken up for good."

"Don't," Hermione warned them. "That could end the game, if he's smart. All he'd have to do is say 'sure,' and then it would be over."

"Fred wouldn't do that, he's having too much fun. Besides," Ron said with a smile, "if he did that, we could have a big scene where Hermione says no to one of us because she's too in love with Fred. Or whichever one of us did it could go to Fred and start yelling about how Fred doesn't deserve Hermione—what's with you two?"

Both Harry and Hermione were staring at him in amazement. "That's an excellent idea, Ron!" Hermione breathed. "It'd work so perfectly!"

"Wait, I was kidding," Ron said quickly. "It was a joke."

"Think about it, Ron," Harry said slowly. "One of us asks Hermione out where everyone can hear us. The next day the same person goes chasing down Fred to yell at him... and then the day after that, the one who doesn't do it has a shouting match with Fred about it. You know—something along the lines of 'you don't really care! You're just being selfish! Let someone who deserves her have a go! Watch your back!' That sort of thing."

Ron stared at his excited friends in disbelief. "You guys are kidding, right?"

"No! It'd be great!" Hermione said enthusiastically.

"No way!" Ron exclaimed.

"You don't have to do it, Ron," Harry said reluctantly. "I'll... I'll pretend to be the one with the crush. We'll get Ginny to do the yelling."

Ron sighed. "No... they've probably already figured out Ginny knows, Hermione tells her everything. If they do know, and she went and yelled at him, it would be it obvious that the whole thing was a ruse."

"And then they'd figure out you and Harry know," Hermione agreed, nodding. "Okay. So... are you up for it, Ron?"

Ron sighed again. "Why not?" he said, rolling his eyes. "Why not?"

* * *

Hermione split up from Harry and Ron after Charms, heading for Arithmancy. George gave Fred and Lee one last "I-don't-want-to-do-this-please-don't-make-me" look before heading after her.

Hermione was the only fifth-year Gryffindor who took Arithmancy; the class was one of the most difficult and as such usually the smallest and composed of students from all four houses. George saw Parvati's twin sister Padma waiting to enter the classroom and smiled; the news he was about to create would definitely be all over Hogwarts soon.

He watched as Hermione struck up a conversation with a couple of Ravenclaw girls George didn't know. Schooling his features into a half-embarrassed, half-hopeful expression, he cleared his throat.

"Hermione?"

She turned, rolled her eyes, and glared at him. "Hello Fred—oh, I mean _George,"_ she said, her voice dripping sarcasm.

George's blush had nothing to do with acting as several of the other Arithmancy students exchanged glances and whispers. "Um, can I talk to you for a second?" he asked hesitantly.

"No," Hermione said flatly. "Thanks to you, Fred and I still aren't speaking to each other."

George's shock at her actions was gone in an instant. If she wanted to play the crowd, fine, he could too, but he was more indignant about her words than worried about keeping their little fight going.

"Excuse me?" George said angrily. "Thanks to _me_? _You_ kissed _me_! How exactly is that _my_ fault?"

"You knew I thought you were Fred," Hermione said coldly.

"You should be able to tell us apart," George retorted. "You've known us for almost five years now. I know that you've probably had the lights off whenever you spent time with him over the past few months, but—"

"How _dare_ you!" Hermione interrupted, ignoring the whispers and laughs George's remark had gotten from the other students. "If your brother wants to believe it's not your fault, fine, but don't even try to sell _me_ that bull! You kissed me back, you pulled me onto your lap and you didn't even bother to _try_ to tell me you were George! You _let_ me think you were Fred!"

George sighed, trying to fight down his real feelings at her statement and get back to the short script he'd prepared. "I couldn't help it," he said sheepishly.

"You damned well could have helped it, and you know it," Hermione snarled.

"No I couldn't have!" he yelled, causing her to arch an eyebrow at him. "You don't know what it's like, hearing Fred talk about you all the time and having to bite my tongue because you're his girl!"

"What are you talking about?" Hermione demanded.

"Let me talk to you alone," George pleaded.

"No," Hermione said firmly.

George bit his lip. He knew that this would go a lot better in private, as far as getting back at Hermione was concerned, but he knew there would be benefits to having everyone else listening, too. "Fine," he said after a long pause. "Look, I kissed you back because I've been wanting to for years. And ever since this whole mess with Fred started I realized I'd probably never have a shot with you and when you kissed me I just stopped caring about Fred, okay? I have feelings for you. Happy now?"

Hermione simply stared at him in disbelief. George turned tail and ran, grinning.

It had worked.

* * *

"I think it was rather pathetic," Hermione told Ginny at breakfast the next morning as they waited for Harry and Ron to show up. "I mean, if that's all they can come up with, I might as well just assume victory now, you know?"

Ginny nodded slowly, looking uncomfortable. "Um, Herm? You do realize that George could have been telling the truth, right?"

Hermione froze, staring at Ginny, a forkful of eggs forgotten halfway to her mouth. _"What?"_ Hermione stammered, confused.

Ginny blushed and toyed with her food absently, looking away. "Well... it's just, think about it. Why else would he have kissed you back?"

Hermione's jaw opened and closed several times before she managed to say, "Gin, there's no way in hell. Besides, Fred kisses back all the time. Why not George? He was just enjoying the moment."

"It's possible that he wasn't," Ginny said bluntly. "He may have a crush on you."

"Yeah, right," Hermione snorted. "Why wouldn't he have told me before now?"

"Why hasn't Ron? Or Neville?" Ginny responded.

Hermione paled visibly and still hadn't remembered the fork she was holding, but she still stubbornly shook her head. "Neville asked me to the Yule Ball."

"Yeah, as a friend," Ginny said, rolling her eyes. "And Ron still hasn't said anything. It took Viktor... what? Almost two months, and he had an excuse—a ball. Not to mention the fact that Viktor knew if you shot him down, he would only have to live with the rejection and humiliation for a few weeks until he went back to Durmstrang. It's quite possible that George just hasn't gotten the nerve to tell you before now. I mean, I saw him kiss Katie a couple of times, and it was never anything like what you said he did. If he thinks you're starting to fall for Fred, then he might have panicked, thinking you're about to be taken, and decided to go for it."

Hermione was struggling to find an argument. She at last realized her hand was still holding up a bite of food and popped it into her mouth to stall. "Wait—if this plan has been in their heads for awhile, they could've easily set me up to kiss him!" Hermione exclaimed triumphantly. "They came up with that 'how-could-you-kiss-my-brother' scene in the common room awfully quick. Maybe it was already planned."

Ginny shook her head. "I don't think they could have planned you would mix up Fred and George. You never have before."

"Damn it, one stupid mistake and the next thing you know..." she grumbled.

Ginny giggled. "Well, let's worry about George later. For now, let's concentrate on Fred."

"Good plan," Hermione agreed.

Harry and Ron arrived just then, sliding onto the bench across from the girls. "Well?" Harry said eagerly.

"Well what?" Hermione said.

"When do we start phase two?" Ron asked impatiently. "Harry and I have some really good ideas for it."

"I thought you weren't too keen on the plan, Ron," Ginny said suspiciously.

"I wasn't, but this is going to be great," Ron told her, grinning mischievously. "I feel like... like I'm finally getting revenge on him and George for every annoying thing they've ever done."

"And for half the annoying things they're going to do in the future," Hermione said happily.


	10. No One Messes With A Weasley

**Chapter Ten**

_No One Messes With a Weasley_

"Well, the seeds of doubt are definitely planted," Lee reported cheerfully as he met up with the twins outside the Great Hall, handing them various breakfast foods (the twins were avoiding Hermione as much as possible, which usually meant missing most of their meals).

"She bought it?" George said smugly.

"No, but Ginny seemed to think it was possible you were telling the truth," Lee replied, stuffing his Extendable Ear back into his pocket. "Unfortunately, Ginny suggested they worry about Fred for now and put George on hold."

"Damn—what else?" Fred asked.

"I left right around then, Harry and Ron came in and I was running out of time to get you breakfast."

"Well," George said as they headed up to Charms, "should we switch the focus back to Fred, or put the spotlight on yours truly?"

"Take your pick, considering we don't have a plan either way," Lee said.

"I think we should keep her confused," Fred said, shooting a dirty look at Lee.

"Well, then, any ideas?" Lee said bluntly. "How are we going to convince her that George likes her, and what are we going to do to keep the war going with her and Fred?"

"We could, I don't know, send her chocolates from George—" Fred began.

"Now you guys are spending money on this?" Lee said incredulously.

"Who said anything about money? That's what the kitchens are for," Fred replied.

"I don't think she'd eat anything I'd send her," George said, "she'd think they were jinxed."

"That's a great idea!" Fred exclaimed. "We'll put a love potion in some chocolates, and if she eats them… she just might eat them, you know—"

"Yeah, after she's had someone test them," Lee interrupted. "Like Lavender or Parvati, or Harry, or maybe even Ron or Ginny. Not that it wouldn't be... interesting, and really funny, but I don't think either of you want Harry or your brother or sister falling in love with you."

"Good point," George said. Fred nodded, grimacing. "You know," George went on thoughtfully, "this me-liking-her thing might not be the best of ideas. I mean, surely she'll figure out that there's no way in hell I'd do that to my twin brother."

"Actually, I think you're our best angle," Lee said. "She might think you really do like her… I mean, Hermione realizes you're not hurting Fred's feelings, she knows everything with Fred is bull, right?"

"Right," Fred said. George frowned, noticing the faintest of blushes on Fred's cheeks. Was something going on that his twin wasn't telling him about?

They finished their breakfast and went to Charms, waiting until Flitwick set them a spell to learn so they could talk without being overheard, which was even easier now, what with Angelina, Alicia, and Katie keeping their distance. "I have an idea," Fred told them. "What if we told her George and I had a fight?"

"She'd see through it," Lee said.

"Yeah… but what if we tell _everyone else_ Fred and I had a fight?" George said excitedly.

"Then she'd still think you were just using it to get her to like George," Lee said.

"Not necessarily, she might get pushed more towards George… I mean, say George likes Hermione, but Fred and Hermione are pretending to be exes, so in the interest of making sure George can inconspicuously have a go with Hermione, Fred agrees to say he and George had a fight?" Fred mused.

"I'd say you're pretty good at the whole talking-about-yourself-in-third-person thing, but what would we do when we got together to plan?" Lee said. "You two couldn't be seen together."

"I could be forcing the Hermione war to a standstill, too," George said. "You know, keeping Fred from getting Hermione… and Fred can't fight me for Hermione without letting on that I'm shamming it…"

"This is making my head spin," Fred said, frowning. "All right, it's got kinks, but it might work… we'll save it for later, then, if we can get it to be flawless. In the mean time, why don't you go at her again, George? Maybe kiss her a little?"

George winced. "Fred, you've still got the bruise from where she kicked you outside Snape's classroom, and I'd kind of like to avoid getting one myself. She was an inch away from crushing your kneecap."

"You should go at her anyway," Lee said, rather reluctantly. "You both should… I don't know what we'll say if someone asks if Fred knows George likes her, but I think we should keep the two of you trying. George should get as little audience as he can manage, though, and I don't think the kissing thing matters."

"All right, then," George said, "I can do that. I'd like to point out, however, that you owe me for this, Fred. It's highly embarrassing."

"It's worth it," Fred said, an evil gleam in his eye. "It's time she learned an important lesson: No one messes with a Weasley."

* * *

Hermione had tried to keep herself surrounded by people, but unfortunately she had to go to Ancient Runes and Arithmancy, which neither Harry nor Ron took. She had to walk to and from both classes alone, unless by chance she happened to run into a Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw in the same class on the way, which was unusual. So George was able to catch her on the way to Ancient Runes the Tuesday after confronting her outside Arithmancy, and this time, they were completely alone; he'd been waiting for her in a secret passage.

Hermione stopped and stared at him coolly; the passage was too narrow for her to get by him without pushing him, and she preferred to keep her distance for the moment. "What is it, George?" she asked, sighing.

"I meant what I said, you know," George told her bluntly. "I have feelings for you."

"You expect me to believe that?" Hermione said, giving a derisive snort.

"It's true," George insisted. "I just… is there any chance at all you'd consider…?" He stopped, biting his lip, a blush creeping up his neck. God, this was embarrassing.

"First of all, I don't believe you," Hermione replied, "and second of all, things with Fred—"

_"What _things with Fred?" George demanded.

"I like him," Hermione said simply.

"Since when?" George asked, adopting a sullen face to keep up appearances.

"Since the last summer when we started going out," Hermione responded calmly.

George blinked. "That's rubbish, and you know it. You've never been with Fred…"

Hermione gave him a look of such utter surprise that George trailed off. "You mean, he's told _you_ there's nothing between us!" she said, looking slightly hurt.

"What are you talking about, I've known all along—"

"Oh," Hermione said, her tone becoming frosty. "I see. He'll let everyone know the truth but his own brother, will he?"

George knitted his eyebrows together. "You're not making sense."

Hermione threw up her hands in exasperation. "You honestly don't _know?"_

"Don't know _what?" _George demanded suspiciously.

Hermione gave him a long, searching look, then said, "George, I _have_ been seeing Fred since last summer, don't you see?" Her face softened. "I'm sorry he didn't tell you—"

"Oh, come off it, Hermione," George laughed. "He'd have told me."

Hermione shook her head. "I didn't want anyone to know. I figured he'd tell you anyway, I mean, it's what I would've done… and after all I told _my_ best friend…"

"Yeah, right, Fred's been shagging you for ages without telling me," George said, rolling his eyes.

Hermione nodded. "He has. Ginny's the only one who knows the truth, I suppose, though Harry probably suspects by now…"

"Uh-huh," George said skeptically. "So why are you so pissed at him, then?"

"Because he told everyone," Hermione said, still in a soft, kind tone, as though expecting him to be upset now that he knew and trying to comfort him in advance. "We'd both agreed not to tell anyone, and if anyone did find out we'd deny it. Back at the Burrow, it was because of Ron and because of your parents, but then it became about Hogwarts, you know, rumors and such… I mean, in the past few days I've had to deal with all sorts of annoying comments and gossip about me and Fred… plus there's Ron, too. I just… I hope you understand why he didn't tell you…"

George was silent for a short while, thinking it over, but he forced himself to remember that Fred was a lot more trustworthy than Hermione (at least, when it concerned George), especially at the moment. "Sorry, Hermione, but there's a few gaping holes in the story."

"Oh, come on, George, do you honestly think I'd kiss just anyone the way I kissed Fred? Well, Fred and you," she said, and she blushed. "I… I am sorry about that, I got confused, you know…"

"If he'd been lying since last summer about shagging you, why wouldn't he tell me the truth when he told Parvati and Lavender?" George demanded.

"I don't know," Hermione said, "you'll have to ask him that." She headed up the stairs to him. "I'm going to be late," she said, "I have to go…" She patted his arm consolingly as she passed.

George remembered quite suddenly that not too long ago, he'd wondered if Fred was keeping something from him… Lee had said "she knows everything with Fred is bull," and Fred had blushed a little… was it possible Fred really _had_ been seeing Hermione under his very nose? Was it possible their little war wasn't some extended revenge for a practical joke, but an actual fight between girlfriend and boyfriend? Come to think of it, surely Hermione wouldn't kiss Fred like that, no matter the stakes… no one kissed that intimately as a _joke_, especially not a girl like Hermione…

George hurried off to Transfiguration, his mind full of questions.


	11. Scared Yet?

**Chapter Eleven**

_Scared Yet?_

_"Have you gone mad?"_

Fred, George, and Lee were in a secret passage; it was just after Transfiguration, and George had confronted Fred about what Hermione had told him. "NO I'm not shagging Hermione, I've _never_ shagged Hermione, are you _insane?" _Fred roared. "Honestly, you think I wouldn't tell you something like that? Come on, if I was shagging her I'd be dying to tell someone, and it's not like I can't trust you and Lee! _Have you gone mad?"_

"You said that already," Lee pointed out. His face was twitching as he fought off a smile.

"She had a lot of good points," George said apologetically.

"She's the enemy!" Fred exploded. "She's a devious little prat!"

"I know, I'm sorry, I just got to thinking—"

"How could you believe _her_ over _me_?" Fred demanded.

"She was _really convincing!" _George whined.

"Of course she was convincing, she's smart! She's an evil, tricky, heinous—"

"I'm sorry!" George exclaimed. "I just… she got me, it won't happen again…"

"Yeah, right," Lee said. "Admit it, you've both been hoodwinked by her, and we've yet to really get her."

"What, you think you could do better?" Fred said angrily.

"I doubt it," Lee said, looking exasperated, "I'm just saying she's far too manipulative for us, at least she has been so far. She's getting under our skin, driving us up the wall, and laughing at us behind our backs—"

"This from the guy who keeps telling us to call the whole thing off," George muttered.

"We just have to work harder," Lee said firmly, ignoring George's comment. "Before Hermione tears us apart and has us all lying at her feet."

"I'm going to get her for this," Fred snarled. "She almost turned _my own twin brother_ against me! Ooh, just you wait, I'll make her pay! This means war!"

"This is already war," George pointed out.

"Then… then this means… this means... a really big war!"

Lee stared at him. "Um, Fred? When you say things like that, I can kind of understand how she's doing it. Calm down, okay? We'll get her."

"Too right we will," George said, his face darkening. "We owe her something fierce now. And I think I've got another idea."

* * *

Fred, George, and Lee didn't show up for dinner, so Hermione took advantage of their absence to whisper the story of what she'd done to George in the secret passage. "He looked really shell-shocked," Hermione said proudly to Harry, Ron and Ginny. They all laughed. "So I reckon we can wait awhile before going through with the next phase of our plan, you know, let it all sink in before Harry asks me out." She paused. "God, that's really weird to say."

They went back to the common room in high spirits, settling in to do their homework. "I'll be right back," Hermione said, "I need to feed Crookshanks…"

She hurried up to their dormitory and set about pouring cat food into Crookshanks's bowl on the floor by her bed, but before she could stand back up the door opened and closed behind her. She turned to see if it was Parvati or Lavender and instead found Fred with a very grim and angry look on his face. She nearly dropped the bag of cat food; she set it down hastily.

"Oh… hi," Hermione said awkwardly, very nervous all of a sudden.

"Been shagging since last summer, have we?" Fred said dangerously.

Hermione couldn't keep the smile off her face. "I couldn't help it, Fred, it was just too easy," she said smugly.

Fred advanced on her; Hermione backed up as he came, eventually finding herself against a wall. Fred stopped very, very close to her, glaring. Hermione fought to keep her expression mocking, which wasn't easy; part of her was dreading he would kiss her again, and part of her was hoping for it…

"You think it's funny, do you, turning my own twin against me?" Fred snarled. He placed his palms against the wall on either side of her head, boxing her in.

Hermione swallowed, but smiled and said, "Yes, yes I do."

"I don't," he snapped. "George had quite a few questions for me… like why a little goody-two-shoes like you would kiss like you do as part of a joke."

"All's fair in love, war, and Quidditch," Hermione said coolly.

"Is it?" Fred said, stepping even closer. "You want war, Hermione? I'll give you war."

"Ooh, I'm really scared—" Hermione started to say, but was cut off as Fred leaned in and kissed her once again.

Her eyes closed and she responded immediately; she had missed kissing him, she couldn't deny it. He was beyond good at it; her mind floated away happily, all thoughts of war and jokes and rumors disappearing. Her arms went around his neck of her own accord, and he grabbed her waist, pulling her tightly against him. Her heart started pounding madly at the feel of his body; only a few thin layers of cloth separated them, and Hermione found herself wishing there was nothing between them at all.

Fred backed up a little, then turned her to the side and stepped forward; she began to walk backwards without knowing where she was going, not caring in the slightest. Her knees hit something and buckled; she landed on her back on her bed, Fred on top of her. They continued to kiss, and Hermione considered finding the zipper on his robes and tugging it down—

—until the door swung open and hit the wall behind it with a bang.

Both Fred and Hermione looked up so fast they nearly got whiplash. Lavender and Parvati were standing in the doorway, their jaws nearly scraping the floor. Lavender recovered first. "Oh. My. God!" she shrieked, grabbing Parvati's arm and turning to leave. "Come on!"

Fred looked down at the mortified expression on Hermione's face and laughed. "Scared yet?" he teased.

Hermione was so horrified that it took her a second to realize what he was talking about. "You _planned_ that?" she hissed.

"Sure did," he said, beaming. "Told George to give me a few seconds and then let slip that I was up here with you." He leaned down and kissed her neck. "What's say we keep at it for a little while longer, hmm? I'm sure someone else will be up shortly."

"Not bad," Hermione said grudgingly as Fred licked and kissed her neck. "Of course, it isn't as good as convincing George we'd been shagging behind his back, you know."

"There's plenty more where that came from," Fred whispered in her ear.

Hermione's eyes narrowed and she smiled mischievously. "Kiss me," she said.

"What?" Fred pulled back to look into her eyes.

"Kiss me," she repeated. "Please, while we're alone, I…" She trailed off, looking up at him pleadingly. Innocently, she shifted beneath him, making Fred tense slightly. Fred looked down at her lips, longing in his eyes, and he nodded slightly, then leaned down to kiss her again.

Ten seconds later, he jerked back up with a yelp of pain. Hermione had just driven her knee into his groin, hard. She shoved him off of her, and he curled up into a ball on her bed, his face screwed up with pain.

Hermione grinned at him as he glared up at her balefully. She bent over him, pecked an exaggerated kiss on his cheek, and said, "No, Fred, I'm not scared yet at all."

With that, she flounced out of the dormitory.

"That's it," Fred choked out. "She's dead."

* * *

Harry, Ron, and Ginny were waiting for her in the common room with rather resigned expressions on their faces. She beamed when they saw them; all three of them raised their eyebrows in unison.

"You were caught having sex with Fred, did you know?" Ginny said as Hermione sat back down.

"Yeah, I knew." Seeing the looks on her three friends' faces, she added, "Oh, come off it, we were _not_ having sex—"

"What _were_ you doing?" Ron interrupted, giving her a stern look.

"Kissing," Hermione said, her cheeks tinged pink. "Just kissing… on the, um, bed. While laying down."

Ginny shuddered. "Pity it's my brother, or I'd ask for details."

"There are no details," Hermione said firmly.

Harry gave her a rather pointed look. "Well, you were smiling like you'd just had the time of your life when you walked down the stairs—and you've got an enormous hickey on your neck."

Hermione's eyes widened and she let out a little squeak of horror; she pulled out her wand and quickly tapped the side of her neck with it so that the mark vanished.

"Where'd you learn _that_ spell, Hermione?" George called loudly from across the room.

Hermione whipped round to glare at him. "I learned it from Fred—or perhaps it was _you_. So hard to tell you _apart_."

"Good to know I haven't kept you and Fred _apart_ for long," George said, smirking.

"I expect we'll be _apart_ for a good long while," Hermione shot back. "The poor dear's gone and gotten himself injured in a most bothersome way."

George's eyes widened with nervousness before narrowing at her. "Wore him out, did you? Only reason you care about him, is it?"

"If I wanted an _impotent_ Weasley twin, I'd have gone out with _you_," Hermione shot back, her temper rising uncontrollably.

"Time to make an exit," Harry hissed, looking around at the common room full of Gryffindors watching with interest.

"I can't, he's in my dormitory," Hermione whispered as several people jeered or laughed.

George gave her a cold smile. "That's not what you said last night," he said smugly.

"This is getting gross," Ron muttered, making a face.

"No, what I said last night was—" Hermione began hotly, then stopped, grinning. "Why, hello, Fred."

Fred had just appeared at the bottom of the girls' staircase. He glared at her, marched stiffly over to George and Lee, and dragged them off towards the boys' dormitories. Hermione could have sworn she heard him say the word "regroup."


	12. Bucket Head

**Chapter Twelve**

_Water War_

George watched as Hermione became angrier and angrier, wondering just what had happened up in the dormitory. She'd looked rather pleased with herself when she'd come down; George feverishly hoped his twin was still alive and capable of moving all his limbs. Hermione's hair had been messed up, and the hickey on her neck was rather large—at least, it had been before she'd concealed it. Maybe he'd get a chance to break that charm tomorrow, hopefully without her noticing…

"Why, hello, Fred," Hermione said smoothly, her eyes glinting with satisfaction as Fred entered the common room.

Fred didn't answer; he headed briskly over to George and Lee, grabbed their arms, and strode over towards their dorm. "Time to regroup," he muttered, his eyes squinted with pain.

The moment they entered their dormitory, Fred collapsed on his bed. "Oh, shit, that hurt," he groaned. "I'm starting to feel sorry for You-Know-Who in advance; the guy won't know what hit him when Harry, Ron and Hermione finally face him…"

"Kicked in the crotch, eh?" Lee said wisely.

Fred nodded. "Kneed, actually, the little bint," he growled. "I swear, I'm gonna kill her—"

"Foiled again," George said sadly.

"No, actually," Fred told him, "everything went pretty well, considering." He opened a drawer in his nightstand, pulled out a pain-killing potion he kept around for Quidditch aches and pains, diluted it in a glass of water and gulped some down. "I mean, it all worked out like we planned; Parvati and Lavender came in while I was on top of her on the bed—clothed," he added with a glare as George smirked and Lee suppressed a smile— "and Hermione was absolutely mortified… did anyone see her neck? I thought it'd be a nice touch."

"Loads of people," George said, explaining his little fight with Hermione.

"Good," Fred said when he'd finished, "that's really good… it all went perfect…"

"Except for what went wrong," Lee pointed out, amused. "How'd you end up injured?"

"She tricked me," Fred admitted reluctantly, "caught me off guard and the next thing I know I'm in the fetal position. Still, I think I got her better, you know?"

"Unless you count that impotent crack she made in front of the entire common room," George said, nodding pleasantly. Fred gave him a dirty look.

"Well," Lee said, "this _was_ good. We finally got her, even if she got us back…"

"She didn't do _that_ well," George said. "I mean, with any luck, Fred'll still be able to get her pregnant when they're finally ready to start a family—"

"Oh, shut up," Fred muttered.

* * *

The whole school was once again discussing Fred and Hermione; they even seemed to know that Hermione had kneed him in groin at some point, which made Fred even more determined to get Hermione once and for all. George's resolve was also increased; thanks to his little chat with Hermione in front of the common room, particularly the parts about "last night," everyone seemed to think that he'd slept with Hermione as well, especially given the fact that he'd kissed Hermione and claimed to have a crush on her. Even Lee was getting into the fight more, both from amusement and loyalty to his friends.

Unfortunately, they were currently at a stalemate. Fred, George, and Lee were out of ideas, and Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny had decided to wait until after the Christmas holidays to strike again, to avoid having any problems while in the same house as Mrs. Weasley. Both sides were panicked, therefore, when Fred and Hermione received identical notices proclaiming they were to serve another detention on December 12.

Neither side was very successful in the planning department, and Fred and Hermione were forced to just show up, each unprepared for the other. They eyed one another warily as Filch told them to scrub the desktops, floors, and windows in Snape's classroom without magic, then left them to it.

"This is all your fault," Hermione said sullenly as she dunked a sponge in the water bucket and made to clean off a desk.

"My fault? We got detention again because _you_ kissed _me_, remember?" Fred shot back.

"You still started it, and you know it," Hermione replied, scrubbing hard at a bit of congealed potion.

"I was trying to be nice and carry you upstairs," Fred snapped, slapping his rag so hard on Snape's desk that water went flying. "If I'd known you were going to torment me for the rest of my—"

"Torment you?" Hermione demanded shrilly. "Torment _you_? Excuse me?"

"You're driving me mad!" Fred shouted. "Rumors and questions and plotting against you, oh yes, we're still plotting, even though George is starting to figure out that all I want to do is kiss you and—" He stopped, quite mortified. Hermione glared at him, uncertain of whether or not to believe him, and bent low over the next desk.

"Don't you try to ignore me!" Fred yelled suddenly. "I've had it! It's true, I'm mad about you, but don't you worry, I'll get you out of my head if it's the last thing I do!" He waved his rag wildly through the air for emphasis… and a bunch of soapy water hit Hermione squarely in the face.

There was utter silence as Fred stared at her, realizing he'd gone too far, even though it had been unintentional; Hermione was furious, glowering at him with water dripping off her face and onto her white sweater…

"AAAAHHHH!" Hermione shrieked, running at him, waving her sponge in wild circles in front of her, water flying everywhere as Fred took off, getting soaked. Fred grabbed one of the buckets, Hermione the other, and an all-out water war ensued.

The two of them chased each other like a pair of angry lions, both of them soon sopping wet and slipping in the suds covering the floor. At one point, Fred pushed himself backward and went sliding all the way across the floor down the center aisle, twirling the rag in front of him in a figure eight motion until it blurred before him, fending off Hermione. Hermione, who was looking both bedraggled and frightening, went skidding after him as she flung the sponge back and forth through the air, letting out guttural howls of rage and splattering him with water.

Fred's back slammed against Snape's desk; not having paid much attention to where he was going, he found himself with nowhere to run as Hermione came ever closer. Desperately, he pushed himself up until he was sitting on the desk and flung what remained in his bucket of water at her, the bucket flying off to the side and a load of water washing over her.

Hermione kept coming; she looked beyond deranged, like some drowned vengeance goddess, completely drenched and with a terrifying, crazed look on her face, her arm straight with the sponge aiming directly at his face as she glided ever closer. Not wanting to find out what it felt like to have a sponge slammed into his face by a girl sliding quickly at him with no intention or ability to stop, he desperately grabbed for her arm and closed his knees in front of him to keep her from getting too close.

It worked; his legs stopped her body and his fingers managed to stop the sponge inches from his face. Enraged at being thwarted, Hermione took her bucket, which was still in her sponge-free hand, and turned it over on Fred's head, water gushing out and soaking him thoroughly, splashing onto the desk and onto Hermione, the bucket's handle a few times thwacking against Hermione's captured arm as the bucket came to a stop on Fred's head.

This left Fred without anything much to say.

Fred stared wretchedly at the sponge just in front of him, trapped under the bucket with his head, still clenched tightly in Hermione's fingers, the edge of the bucket propped on his hand around her wrist. _Well,_ he thought sadly, _this is what I get for being a troublemaker all my life. I'm sitting on my least favorite teacher's desk, supposed to be serving detention. I've trashed the room with an impromptu water fight and there's a sponge about to be rammed in my face and a bucket on my head. You know what, God? Whatever I did to deserve this, I'm sorry._

Hermione's fingers opened suddenly, dropping the sponge into his lap, which wasn't an improvement and gave him a few more self-pitying thoughts. Fred slowly lifted up his free hand and took the bucket off his head, letting it fall off the desk behind him with a clatter.

Hermione was staring at him with a horrified look on her face, as though she hadn't realized she was capable of such a thing, as though she had done something purely accidental to land him in such a position. Fred stared at her wearily, as if asking her to end his misery, and her lips twitched with amusement.

"You think this is funny?" he said, giving her a disbelieving look.

Hermione burst into fits of laughter and nodded. Fred's eyes narrowed.

"You think this is funny, do you?" he repeated dangerously. "We've just flooded the classroom—_Snape's_ classroom, of all the classrooms in the castle we flooded _Snape's_—and you think it's _funny_?" She nodded again, unable to speak. "We're going to be killed, or at the very least expelled, and you… _you dump a bucket on my head and start laughing!"_

"Bucket... head..." Hermione gasped out through her laughter. She gripped the edge of the desk with her free hand, sliding a little on the soapy floor and continuing to laugh her head off. Fred glared at her for all of three seconds before he burst out laughing too; he couldn't seem to stop, it was hysterical, they'd just had the funniest fight he could remember having… wait till he told George and Lee, this was just sad…

Hermione slipped again, and Fred reflexively dived forward and threw his arms around her to keep her from falling. Their eyes met… and Fred abruptly reached down, grabbed her waist, and pulled her onto the desk with him, Hermione sitting on him, their lips meeting feverishly for a wet, soapy kiss, and then an outraged bellow sounded from the doorway—

"GET OFF MY DESK!"


	13. Something To Tease Snape About

**Chapter Thirteen**

_Something to Tease Snape About_

"Harry! Harry, wake up!"

Harry rolled over to see someone standing over him. He quickly put on his glasses and Hermione came into sharp focus, dripping with water, which amongst other things made her white shirt somewhat transparent; he hastily looked away before she could see he was looking.

"Hermione?" Harry said stupidly. "Have you been swimming?"

"No," Hermione said miserably. "I… I need someone to talk to; can you come down to the common room?"

"Yeah, sure," Harry said, sitting up; the next day was Saturday, so he could sleep in tomorrow anyway. "Want me to wake Ron?"

"Yeah, thanks—I still want to go wake Ginny, and I'll need to change—"

"Hermione?" Ron called, having just woken up on his own. "Why're you all wet?"

"It's a long story," she said pitifully. "Come down to the common room, I'll tell you."

A short while later, Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny were sitting by the fire in the common room, Hermione now dry except for her hair as her story came to a close.

"—So then _Snape_ walks in, and yells 'get off my desk!' and I jump down, nearly break my neck sliding in the mess we've made, and the sponge I've been sitting on is clamped between my legs—it's not funny!" she said for the fifteenth time as her three friends laughed. "I was so mortified… I'm just glad he didn't see the whole thing, we must've looked insane as we went skating down the center aisle, and Fred was so… I don't know, _mournful-looking_ with that bucket on his head…" She sighed and trailed off, the others still laughing. "Oh, okay, I suppose that part _is_ funny… but anyway, so then Snape pulls out his wand, and we're both just waiting for us to jinx us, but then he just tells us to get out and he starts towards us, right? Well, he slips in the water, lands on his back, goes scooting across the floor and nearly crashes into the wall! He was glaring at us and we were trying hard not to laugh, but he just roared for us to report straight to Professor McGonagall. Fred and I ran off, almost killed ourselves slipping in that water—we could hear Snape cleaning up with a few spells—and then we went up to McGonagall's office, both of us dripping wet. She shows up in her dressing gown, looking livid, I thought we were expelled for sure… yelled for ages and ages and then she finally gave us our punishment—"

"What did you get, more detention?" Ron asked.

"A week's worth," Hermione said glumly. "And she said that if Fred and I need some sort of lesson in keeping our hands off each other to get our detentions done, she'll keep us in detention until we've learned it, even if it takes all of next term."

"Ouch," Harry said sympathetically.

"Yeah… and then, get this, she dismisses Fred but holds me back, closes the door and starts laughing her head off!"

"No!" Harry, Ron and Ginny gasped.

"McGonagall?" Ginny said.

"Laughing?" Ron said dubiously.

Hermione nodded grimly. "She said she had no idea I'd be taking her advice so dearly to heart," she said. "Apparently she's been keeping tabs, her and a few of the other teachers who've found it amusing… and she asked to hear all about it from me. I told her almost everything, she laughed herself sick, if I hadn't been so embarrassed it would've been great—"

"That's amazing," Ron breathed. "McGonagall, laughing, and encouraging mayhem?"

"We've seen her do similar things before," Harry pointed out.

Hermione nodded. "I get the feeling the teachers find us greatly amusing, all the students you know, like a television show—er, like a very interesting book," she amended at Ron and Ginny's confused expressions. "They don't have as much to gossip about themselves, you know, things wind down when you're in your thirties and forties, I guess, so they talk about us all the time—she said the teachers talk about you guys and me and the Weasley twins in particular, says we always are the funniest. I'm assuming a lot of people are going to be laughing themselves silly in the staff room come tomorrow. McGonagall certainly thought I was a riot… and then she sent me off to bed, and I just wanted to die, I really did…"

"Did she let you out of detention?" Ginny asked hopefully.

"No, of course not, you know what she's like," Hermione said with a sigh. "She did give me five points for Gryffindor, though."

"What? What for?" Harry asked, surprised.

"For giving her something to tease Snape about," Hermione said, sighing pitifully. "She's always looking for a reason—you know how they are, always arguing, apparently they're really good friends, they just compete and bicker a lot—and she thanked me for making it possible for her to make cracks about students doing naughty things on his desk."

"You poor dear," Ginny said, patting her arm.

* * *

"I really couldn't believe it," Fred was saying furiously to George and Lee. "I mean, after all that, it turns out she's taking her cue from _McGonagall_? Professor Stick-up-the-ass? She was just laughing her heart out, at _my_ expense, while Hermione told her everything in this sheepish little voice. I could've killed her, think I would've if I'd been in the same room—"

"To tell you the truth, Fred, I think the whole bucket-on-your-head thing was a tad worse," George said, trying desperately not to laugh. "They're two of a kind, after all, Hermione and McGonagall…"

"Yeah, well, I'm going to get her for this," Fred raged, rubbing his towel over his hair again. "Talk about rude… getting me caught by Snape… the look in his eyes when he saw us, when he walked towards us, Hermione with a sponge between her legs and me with a rag still in my hand, water everywhere…"

"Look on the bright side," Lee said, "you'll never have to clean Snape's room again."

"Stroke of genius, too, telling her you had a crush on her," George added.

Fred blushed, but thankfully George couldn't see his face, obscured as it was by the towel. "Yeah… well… I'm not sure she believed me, though she didn't certainly didn't have any objections when we kissed."

"Like I said when this whole mess started—maybe she does like you," George said. "Remember? Maybe she's trying to get you to like her by turning you on."

"So far all she's done is give me loads of trouble and a bucket on my head," Fred said sourly.

"Well, here's something to cheer you up," George said, "Errol showed up with a letter from Mum while you were in detention, and she says that Bill and Charlie are coming for Christmas, I'm sure they'll have loads of ideas for us—"

"Unless they take Hermione's side," Lee said.

"Ginny's always been Bill's favorite," Fred pointed out, "Bill's almost like a father to her."

"Yeah, well, you know what Bill's like, even if he helps Ginny he'll still help us, more likely than not," George replied. "And Charlie usually tries to avoid taking sides."

"Well, keep me posted over Christmas," Lee said. "I expect Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny will call an unofficial truce while you're at the Burrow, given how scary your mum can be."

"Maybe your mum will let you come over this Christmas, too," Fred said hopefully.

"Nah, I already asked," Lee replied; he asked his mother if he could spend the holidays with Fred and George all the time, but she didn't often let him, as she placed large significance on family at Christmas and Easter. "It's my last year, you know, the last time she can force me to come home for Christmas, I expect I'll have to go home for Easter, too." He sighed dismally; he loved his family, but he had a lot of relatives who all came by for the holidays, and the gatherings had a tendency to go horribly wrong. "Any luck, though, and this time Aunt Lisa will drink enough to pass out before she can get into a row with Mum again.

"Well, good luck," George said. "We'll send you loads of owls… er, though you might want to send yours over first so we can just send you our replies; Errol's still out cold, Hagrid's looking after him…"

"Let us know if you come up with anything, too, ask some of those evil cousins of yours," Fred added, lying down to go to sleep. "I'm going to make her suffer."

As Fred lay awake, trying to sleep, it was not thoughts of revenge that filled his mind, however, but rather questions about when he would get to kiss Hermione again.


	14. Partners In Crime

**Chapter Fourteen**

_Partners in Crime_

Fred, George, and Lee had an advantage over Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny during the next week; Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny were concerned with end-of-term exams, especially considering their study habits had been somewhat neglected during the fight, but only Lee gave the exams a second thought on the other end. Lee and the twins spent a good deal of time working on the Fred-and-George-having-a-fight angle, and were working out a good deal of the problems with it.

Then, however, came the moment that filled all seven of them with extreme dread: they all boarded the Hogwarts Express to head back to King's Cross, Fred, George, Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny bound for the Burrow and Lee for his own home.

After a tense train ride, in which both sides separately made hurried plans in case the other side didn't let things lie under Mrs. Weasley's watchful eyes, they found Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, as well as Bill and Charlie, waiting for them on the platform.

They were forced to take the Knight Bus back to the Burrow, which they hailed in an alley not far from the train station. The bus was crowded enough that they had to split up; Mrs. Weasley, not realizing that something had set the twins against the others, took Mr. Weasley, Ginny and Bill up to the top tier, while Harry, Ron, and Hermione were left on the second with the twins and Charlie.

As they finished paying for their tickets, Fred couldn't resist a quick go at Hermione. "Perhaps we should carry on here?" Fred said casually, smirking when she blushed.

"No, I don't think so," Hermione said, glaring at him as she sat stiffly in her chair; none of them wanted to speak plainly in front of Charlie just yet.

"Are you sure? Might be quite—yah!" Fred broke off with a yelp as the bus gave a loud BANG and lurched. Harry was able to prevent falling by grabbing hold of whatever he could, and so was Charlie, who'd ridden the bus before, and Hermione and Ron, who'd been warned about the bus by Harry, but the twins weren't prepared and went flying.

The bus teleported all over Great Britain, letting off other passengers and picking up a few more. The twins had taken the others' lead and seized candle brackets sticking out of the wall, glaring at the smug looks on the others' faces.

All of them were rather green by the time the Knight Bus teleported to the Burrow, the shed jumping aside for the bus. "How'd it go?" Ginny whispered eagerly as they met up in the yard.

"Fine, actually," Hermione said, narrowing her eyes at Fred and George.

"Whew, that's a relief... that bus is something else, I spent the entire time gripping the overhead bar with my feet braced against the window, imagine I looked like a monkey..."

"Yeah, but it's the safest way to ride," Bill said, smiling.

"Bill taught me the trick," Ginny said happily, "he was doing the same thing... bit uncomfortable, but better than getting thrown around."

"Taught her everything I know," Bill said, throwing his arm around Ginny's shoulders; the two looked pleased to be in each other's company again.

Fred and George took one look at Bill and Ginny and the pair of them made a beeline for Charlie, grabbing his arms and marching him towards the house.

"Charlie, buddy, how've you been—"

"—we've got a load of things to ask you about—"

"—come on up to our room, let's have a chat—"

"That can't be good," Bill said suspiciously, frowning as Charlie shot Bill a nervous look over his shoulder while the twins dragged him to the house. Bill made a mental note to go rescue Charlie if he wasn't back in an hour and turned to Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny as Mr. and Mrs. Weasley followed the twins and Charlie inside. "Do you lot know what's up with them?"

"Unfortunately, yes," Hermione said dryly.

"We need your help with something, Bill," Ginny said, leading him farther from the house.

"Anytime, Gin—what's going on?"

* * *

_"It's not funny,"_ Hermione whined for the twentieth time as Bill laughed his head off.

"Yes it is!" Bill roared. "Oh, my god!"

Night had fallen; they were sitting outside by the pond, where they'd been since their arrival, minus a short time taken to eat dinner. Bill had put a charm on them to keep them warm (as the others couldn't do magic outside of school), and they'd just finished telling him the whole story, up to the water fight.

"I can just see Fred sitting there all morosely with a bucket on his head," Bill choked out, tears of laughter streaming down his face.

"It was all I could think to do," Hermione said crossly. "Obviously, I was out of ideas—I was fighting with a sponge, for pity's sake, and when he stopped me from bashing it into his face I was absolutely furious—"

"Hey, Madam Pomfrey?" Ginny said in a remarkable impression of Fred. "Could you help me, I've had my nose broken by a sponge..."

They all laughed, even Hermione. "So," Hermione said finally, "you'll help us think of ideas?"

"Are you kidding?" Bill gasped out. "I was the biggest troublemaker of a Head Boy since James Potter, of course I will! This is absolutely hysterical... You keep this up and Ginny won't get the title of 'Head Girl Who Broke the Most Rules.'" Hermione's face turned slightly pink. "Let's see... ideas... hmm... I suppose first we'd better find out what _their_ ideas are," Bill said thoughtfully.

"How?" Harry asked, frowning.

"Charlie, of course—he'll know everything from the twins' viewpoint by now and he'll tell me just as soon as I ask..."

"No," Hermione said firmly. Everyone turned to look at her in surprise. "I don't want to know his plans. I want to beat him fairly."

"Fairly?" Ron repeated. "This whole thing has been a bunch of dirty tricks, 'Mione; it's eye for an eye now—"

"You know what I mean," she said impatiently. "I don't want to know their plans, and I don't want _them_ to know _ours_." She gave Bill a stern look; he held up his hands and nodded.

"Tell you what," he said, "me and Charlie will figure out what the other one knows, but we'll each keep it from the other side, okay? I'll tell Charlie what I know, and he'll keep it from the twins, and vice versa. That'll let me give you lot good advice without overstepping the lines."

"You're sure Charlie's trustworthy?" Hermione asked suspiciously.

"Of course he is," Ginny said. She grinned up at her eldest brother fondly. "More so than Bill, actually. The two of them are partners in crime; back when they were at Hogwarts they wreaked almost as much havoc as Fred and George."

"They were just a bit more careful about getting caught," Ron said. "Bill was really good at it—Charlie got caught occasionally, though... not as bad as the twins, but enough... they were the ones that got the twins where they are now, really—"

"So I've you to thank for this mess?" Hermione said teasingly to Bill.

Bill held up his hands again in mock surrender. "I may have taught them a thing or two... quite the prodigies, they are." He smiled reminiscently. "I've got a fair idea of how their minds work, believe you me—you were right to come to me for this, guys, Charlie and I'll have them eating out of your hands."

* * *

Long after Fred, George, Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny had gone to bed, Bill and Charlie stayed up talking while lounging in their beds in Percy's old room (Percy had moved out to live in London, closer to the Ministry). The room had been bewitched to be soundproof (a necessity, as much to stop them waking everyone with their laughter as to prevent eavesdropping). "So what do you reckon?" Bill asked as they finished telling each other all they'd learned during the day. "I was surprised to hear all the things Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Gin came up with, considering Harry, Ron, and Hermione's image—but then, Harry and Ron are a bit like watered-down versions of us, and Hermione's a female Fred hiding inside a Percy. Wasn't a bit surprised that Ginny was in it, though," he added proudly.

"To tell you the truth, I think the twins didn't tell me everything," Charlie said thoughtfully. "I mean, they told me all they'd done, but I think they've still got a few secrets... and I'm starting to think Fred actually likes Hermione."

"No?" Bill said eagerly, sitting up.

"Maybe," Charlie replied, grinning widely.

"Well, that'd be interesting," Bill said mischievously.

"I wouldn't be surprised, either, from what both of them say about her," Charlie said, grinning. "Been driving them mad, she has. They're both about to lose it. Doubt George likes her, though, at least not yet."

"Neither of them will admit anything, eh?" Bill said.

"Of course not—you know, in all our mind-poisoning we seemed to have forgotten to teach those two a couple of key lessons on girls."

"I don't know, they did pretty well up until now," Bill said fairly. "From what Ginny's been saying, anyway—Ron's the one we've got to worry about, the kid's quickly becoming an idiot in the girl department... but enough of that, whose side are we going to stick on?"

"Why stick on a side at all?" Charlie said carelessly. "I'd say Hermione's got every right to retaliate after the spot our dear little brother put her in, and the twins have every right to keep it going now that she has retaliated—who could take that lying down? Anyway, I think it'd be much more fun to get things rolling for both of them... set them at each other..."

"Kind of evil of us," Bill said. He smiled. "I like it."


	15. Abandon Sled

_Author's Notes:_ Thanks for all the reviews, guys! I also have an odd request for those of you who actually read my author's notes—if at all possible, could you tell me how you spend Christmas or similar holidays? I've spent it the same way for most of my life—in the mountains of Tennessee with about twenty to thirty relatives, and I've started drawing a blank about other ways people might celebrate Christmas, Yule, Chanukah, and so on. To me, it's usually the same thing each year, and I wouldn't want to imagine my holiday any other way, so… yeah. It doesn't have to be Christmas, either; if you have a certain way you celebrate Thanksgiving or Easter or something like that, please feel free to tell me about it. Just pick a holiday that one would celebrate with their family and/or friends and tell me about it (er, things like Halloween and Independence Day probably aren't going to be what I'm looking for, but if you have something, please share). As long or as short as you want, k? Well, I'm off to go find some lotion for my feet after my two-mile walk from taking my nephew trick-or-treating. Hope y'all like this! Please review, people—it really makes an author's day.

* * *

**Chapter Fifteen**

_Abandon Sled_

"Bill wouldn't agree to help?" Fred said indignantly, staring up at Charlie in shock.

"Nope," Charlie said, sighing.

"How rude," George growled. "He's _our_ brother, not Hermione's…"

"He's Ron and Ginny's brother, too," Charlie pointed out, "but not to worry—as far as Weasleys it's still three on three—"

"But they've got Harry and Hermione, too," Fred said irritably.

"Yeah, well, you two have Lee, and he's worth the both of them, he's done loads to further your work," Charlie reminded them. "Besides, I've still got tons of information, before he said he wasn't helping you two he told me everything they've been saying, so I've got plenty of ideas to help you—"

* * *

"Charlie in?" Ron asked, dragging a sled as he walked with Harry, Hermione, Bill, and Ginny out towards the hill.

"Of course Charlie's in, he couldn't wait to get the ball rolling," Bill said. "He's confusing Fred and George as we speak."

"Good," Harry said. "So what's the plan?"

"Well, your main goals are to get Fred to admit he was lying from the start and to fake him out, confuse him, and ultimately take him down, correct?"

"You forgot _tease_ him," Ginny said, nudging Hermione in the ribs and grinning. Hermione shot her a dirty look; she was already in a somewhat bad mood, as—thanks to a skiing accident when she was ten—she hated all forms of winter sports, including sledding, but after much berating she'd agreed to go sledding with the others on the old, battered Muggle sled that Mr. Weasley had bought and improved years ago.

"And ignoring Ginny, we move on," Hermione said dryly. "There's a problem with goal number one—I'm not sure anyone would believe he was lying from the start now, even if he said it they'd probably think someone had put him up to it, that it wasn't true—"

"Charlie and I thought so, too," Bill said. Ginny and Harry nodded. Ron grunted, giving the sled a sharp pull. "So you'll have to content yourself with embarrassing him as much as he's embarrassed you, right? Well, there are several ways I think will be effective… and you do have a very good idea going with the whole Harry asking Hermione out and Ron yelling at Fred, but there's a few more things… a few of which you might find a little, ah, embarrassing, but—"

* * *

"See, the thing that's going to trip her up is that Harry and Ron aren't in on it," Charlie said, "they just _think_ they are—she's getting their help to plot revenge on you, but they think you actually _were_ going out with her and everything. Ginny knows the truth, though, which is another thing that'll play into your hands—Hermione's known Harry and Ron longer, but she's put her trust and confidence in Ginny."

"Good thinking," Fred said slowly. Fred, George, and Charlie were trailing behind Harry, Ron, Hermione, Bill and Ginny as the five of them headed up the hill with the sled. Fred glared as the five of them laughed uproariously at something. "Ooh, just wait… I'm going to make her suffer…"

"You know," George said thoughtfully, "keeping things quiet around Mum's a good idea and all—but I reckon there are other, safer ways to annoy them right now. We can use magic, after all, and they can't…"

"Bill can," Charlie said quickly, "and he'll kill you if you hit him—"

"He doesn't have to know, does he?" said Fred, pulling out his wand as the small group reached the top of the hill and climbed into the sled.

* * *

"Hop in, then," Bill said, sitting down at the back of the sled, Ginny in front of him, then Harry, Hermione, and finally Ron. The sled had been bewitched by Mr. Weasley, so that it was much larger, went faster and farther, and had seat belts (added by Mrs. Weasley once she realized what the sled did). They buckled up and Bill pulled out his wand, tapping the edge of the sled. It started to move forward, but just as Bill stowed his wand back inside his jacket the sled went flying backwards as fast as a bullet; the five of them went sliding at an alarming rate back down the hill and off towards the village of Ottery St. Catchpole.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Hermione screamed in terror.

"Bill! What did you do!" Ginny yelled.

"Nothing! It's not me!"

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

"Stop screaming in my ear, Hermione!" Ron moaned.

"This is great!" Harry exclaimed, grinning.

"Someone stop this thing!"

"Bill! Fix it!"

"I can't! It won't work!"

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

A group of children having a snowball fight dived out of the way as the out-of-control sled blew towards Ottery St. Catchpole; they reached the outskirts of the village and kept going, down snow-covered streets and past rows of buildings.

"Abandon sled!"

"No! We're moving too fast!"

"So slow it down!"

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

"Hermione, stop yelling!"

"I HATE SLEDS!"

"This stupid thing's been jinxed!"

"Gee, do you think!"

"We're all gonna die!"

"We'll have to use magic—"

"We can't, we'll be expelled—"

"This is a life-threatening situation—"

"We don't know that—"

"YES WE DO! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

"Dashing through the snow, in a one-horse open sleigh—"

"That's not funny!"

"Tree!" shouted Bill, who was staring behind them, trying to keep an eye out for obstacles. "TREE! EVERYBODY LEAN LEFT!"

They threw their bodies to the left (Harry grabbed the hysterical Hermione and pushed her to the side), and the sled banked and turned sharply at a three-way intersection, nearly plowing into a gaggle of women exiting a shop. _"Finite,"_ Bill yelled, whacking the sled with his wand in frustration. _"Pararo, Meta_—hold on guys, we're going down a hill!"

They tipped backwards and went shooting down the hill; a stray dog began to chase them, barking excitedly, and three more people jumped out of the way as they flew over the snowy street, all of them yelling and flailing their arms. After what seemed like ages they leveled off and began bouncing along uneven pavement; the dog soon gave up its pursuit.

"HOUSE!" Bill yelled. "EVERYONE TO THE RIGHT! I SAID RIGHT! _RIGHT!_ ARGH!"

Harry shoved Hermione to the right, leaning over behind her, but Ron and Ginny, both panicky, had leaned left again; as a result, the sled stayed straight and bounced onto a porch. A Muggle family leaped clear just in time and Bill threw himself forward over Ginny as the sled slammed into the Muggles' house with a loud bang.

They sat there, stunned, the six Muggles staring at them.

"Your _other_ right," Bill said dryly.

"Are you all right, dears?" asked a kindly-looking woman.

"Yes, yes, fine, thanks… sorry about this…" Harry said, unbuckling his seat belt and climbing out of the sled.

"How'd you guys make your sled move so fast?" asked a little kid eagerly.

"It's motorized," Hermione said weakly, leaping out of the seat as fast as her shaking body would allow. "Must've malfunctioned… it's a prototype, you know…"

"I don't recommend getting one," Ginny added sourly as Bill helped her up.

"Why are you getting out? We've got to get home," said Ron, who looked as though, now that it was over, he'd just had the time of his life.

"I'm not getting back in that thing!" Hermione said shrilly.

"We can't walk home, that'd take ages," Ron argued.

"So… so… so we'll get a taxi!" Hermione said.

"Hermione..."

"I'm not getting in there! If you lot want to go plowing into houses and glass storefronts then be my guest, but I'm calling a taxi. I hate sleds... sleds, skis, snowboards, I hate them all! I don't know what possessed me to get in there..."

Harry borrowed the Muggle family's phone, and Hermione was still muttering about mad sleds by the time the taxi had arrived. "This is all Fred's fault," she was saying as she squeezed into the back of the taxi with Harry, Ron, and Ginny. "Fred did this, I know he did."

"I'm willing to bet it was him, too," Bill said lightly from the front seat.

"I'll get him," she said angrily. "I'll make him pay."

By the time the ride was over, Hermione's fury had built to such an extreme that Ginny was practically sitting on Harry's lap in an effort not to provoke her. Before the cab had even rolled to a complete stop, Hermione was marching towards the house, intent on giving Fred a piece of her mind.


	16. Being A Twin Is Dangerous

**Chapter Sixteen**

_Being a Twin is Dangerous_

Fred and George had just finished writing a letter to Lee about their sled prank and were trying to attach it to Lee's owl when the door flew open so fast that it slammed into the wall. Fred, George and Charlie looked up in alarm while the owl screeched and flew off to land on George's dresser.

_"You,"_ Hermione growled.

Fred took a nervous step back, almost bumping into George. Hermione looked even angrier than she had during their first confrontation outside Snape's classroom. Before he could think of a good plan of escape, Hermione had seized the front of his robes and was glaring up at him.

"You... if you ever... sled..."

"What are you talking about?" Fred said quickly. He had meant to rub the ordeal in her face, but no longer felt such an action was wise.

Hermione shook him so hard he went slightly cross-eyed. _"If you ever do anything like that again—"_

"Hermione, calm down," Charlie said soothingly. "Fred's very sorry, Hermione, okay?"

Hermione glowered at Charlie but seemed to get some control. She released Fred and turned to go. Fred breathed a sigh of relief and crossed to the other side of the room to try and coax Lee's owl to come down, but couldn't resist one last dig.

"Oh, come on, sweetheart, you know you want me."

Hermione froze, almost to the door, and then spun around, enraged. Her eyes locked on her target and she started forward... unfortunately, she hadn't noticed that Fred had moved over by the dresser, and she was looking at George, not Fred.

George gulped and opened his mouth to say something, but before he'd gotten half a syllable out, Hermione's fist slammed into his left eye so hard that George was knocked sideways and down; he landed hard on his side, too stunned to speak.

"I'll show you what I want!" Hermione snarled.

"George!" Fred shouted.

Somehow, his yell penetrated Hermione's fog of rage and she twisted around and ran at him. Fred drew his wand, but his mind was blank; he couldn't think of a single spell. Luckily, Charlie reacted quickly; he threw his arms around her waist from behind, pinning her arms down to her sides. "Hermione! Hermione, stop!" he ordered as she thrashed in his arms. When she couldn't get loose, she started kicking; Charlie struggled to drag her away from Fred.

"Calm down, Hermione, come on, calm down, it's okay," Charlie kept repeating. Slowly, Hermione came back to her senses. Charlie was a good guy. Not a bad guy. Charlie didn't deserve to die. She needed to kill Fred, though. All she had to do was pretend she wasn't going to kill Fred and then Charlie would let her go and she could kill Fred. Perfect. She forced herself to get a grip, and Charlie finally released her... but before she could charge Fred, the adrenaline left her system enough for her to feel the pain in her hand.

"OW!" she shrieked, clutching her arm to her with her left hand. "Ow, my hand!"

She ran from the room, leaving Fred and Charlie to help George up. "Oh, god, that hurt," George groaned, clutching his face. "You _really_ owe me for this, Fred... and I'm changing my look. It's apparently too dangerous to be your identical twin."

* * *

"Ow, ow, ow!"

Harry, Ron, Ginny, and Bill had dragged the sled out of the taxi and just made it into the house when Hermione came shooting down the stairs. "My hand," she whimpered. "OW!"

"What happened?" demanded Mrs. Weasley, who had just come in from the garden. "I heard shouting—"

"My hand," Hermione moaned, holding it out to her.

"Goodness, dear, what did you do to it?" Mrs. Weasley said, taking a look at Hermione's arm with a critical eye.

Hermione shot Harry, Ron, Ginny and Bill a panicked look. "Uh... do you think it's broken, Mum?" Ginny said quickly, in an attempt to distract Mrs. Weasley.

"No, no," Mrs. Weasley said, letting go of Hermione's wrist and Summoning a small potion bottle and a glass of water; she put a few drops of the potion into the water and handed it to Hermione. "Here, this will help with the pain and swelling."

Hermione took a large swallow and let out a sigh as it began to take effect. "Thank you."

"What on earth happened, dear?" Mrs. Weasley asked in concern.

"Er..."

"Mum," Charlie called loudly, coming down the stairs, "do you have anything for pain? George's eye is swelling something awful."

"What happened to George's eye?" Mrs. Weasley demanded suspiciously.

"Oh, he ran into Hermione on the stairs," Charlie said calmly, "and he hit his eye on the banister. Hermione, you all right? I fixed up that hole you accidentally punched in the wall, it's as good as new, don't worry..."

"I'm fine Charlie," Hermione said, feeling weak from relief and the pain-killing potion. "I love you, you know that?"

"Er, yes, sure, whatever," Charlie said, trying not to laugh as he took the potion from Mrs. Weasley and hurried back upstairs.

* * *

"I'm serious," George said, gingerly touching the area around his eye, "I'm changing my look. Being a twin is dangerous."

"I'm really sorry about that, George," Fred told him for the thousandth time.

"From now on, I don't want you to even _think_ about moving until she's out of sight," George said. "If we can see her, we stay still, got it? If she's around I want you to think of her as a Tyrannosaurus Rex, okay? Hermione's vision is based on movement: _she can't see George if Fred doesn't move."_

"I'm so sorry," Fred repeated.

"You're sorry, yes, but damn it, I can't take this any more! This is the second time!"

"She's punched you before?" Charlie said, frowning. "I don't remember you saying—"

"She's mistaken George for me before," Fred explained. "This is just the first time it went bad."

"Oh, shut up," George grumbled. "Fred, you're my brother, and I'd do anything for you, but this isn't cool. I've been publicly humiliated way too often and I just got knocked silly by a _girl_. I don't know how much more of this I can take." Someone knocked on the door, and all three of them turned to look at the door apprehensively. "Just a second!" George yelled, and promptly walked into the closet and shut the door behind him. "Come in!"

Harry opened the door. "Hey, Fred, Charlie... where's George?"

"It's just Harry," Fred called at the closet. George peeked out around the door and, seeing Harry, emerged from the closet. "What do you want, Harry?" Fred added rather rudely.

Harry held up his hands in a "take it easy" sort of gesture. "I was persuaded to volunteer to come start the peace negotiations," he said.

"Hermione made you say that, didn't she?" Charlie said wisely.

"Yeah, she was the one that 'persuaded me to volunteer,'" Harry said, rolling his eyes. "Anyway, we're prepared to call a truce if you are. Just for the holidays. If Mrs. Weasley finds out about this, we're all going to be in deep trouble, and I'd like to have as few people trying to kill me as possible. So... want to call it quits until we're back at school?"

Fred exchanged a reluctant glance with George, who glared back. "Yes," George said sulkily. "Mum's not stupid enough to believe I fell on the stairs more than once."

Harry grinned. "I'm going to try to avoid insulting you about that. For the time being."

"Oh, ha, ha," George snapped. "Tell her that if she doesn't try anything until we're back in the castle, we won't. _Isn't that right, Fred."_ Fred nodded grudgingly.

"All right," Harry said, "I'll pass it along." He turned to go, then paused. "Fred, why don't you two just sit down like adults and agree that it's not working out? You know, move on?"

"What do you mean, move on?" Fred demanded.

"You know, stop having this petty war and just agree to stay broken up."

"Why would I want to do that?" Fred said, narrowing his eyes.

"You don't want to stop this stupid game?"

"I don't want to stay broken up," Fred said slowly, reminding himself of his game with Hermione and the fact that Harry didn't know what was really going on.

"Well, if you don't want to stay broken up, then why are you carrying on like... you know," Harry said suddenly, "forget I said a word."

Harry turned and left quickly. "What was that all about?" George said suspiciously.

"I don't know," Fred said, frowning, "but it was weird."

True to their word—for once—the twins didn't try anything over the remainder of the holidays; though they insisted it was about avoiding Mrs. Weasley, neither of them wanted what Hermione had done to George's eye to happen again. Though the twins remained removed from the others, all of them managed to enjoy the remainder of the holidays... however, they were too busy having fun to plan what they'd do back at school.

When they boarded the Hogwarts Express to go back to Hogwarts, the twins immediately sought out Lee. "Hey, guys," Lee called. "Tell me everything—how'd it go?"


	17. Moaning Myrtle's Bathroom

**Seventeen**

_Moaning Myrtle's Bathroom_

Right after dinner on Monday, Hermione and Fred reported to McGonagall's office for the first of their detentions. Neither was very happy to learn that they would spend the week cleaning various bathrooms around the castle.

They started on the second floor, most unfortunately with Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. Fred, being a guy, had never met Moaning Myrtle before, and Hermione wasn't speaking to him, so he wasn't forewarned about Myrtle and managed to offend her in about ten seconds and send her off crying. "Lunatic," Fred muttered, glad she was gone and disgusted that she'd disappeared down the toilet. "Even dead girls are crazy."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Hermione snapped, rising to the bait before she could stop herself.

Fred grinned, pleased that he had provoked her... and hoping that this fight would end like their previous ones. "That every female on the face of the earth is a complete whack job, you in particular."

"Excuse me? _You're_ the crazy one, running around spreading rumors about—"

"How was I to know the whole school would be interested in that?" Fred demanded.

"The whole school always is!"

"Since when?"

"Since always! Every time I come in the bathroom or anywhere where there's a big group of giggling girls it's some stupid new rumor." Hermione batted her eyelashes and adopted a sickly-sweet tone. "'Oh, isn't so and so _cute_?' 'Did you hear what Malfoy did with that Ravenclaw girl?' 'Oh, I do miss Oliver Wood, he was hot.' 'Guess who Lavender got caught with in that unused classroom on the fifth floor!' They always talk about stuff like that!"

"You mean the _girls_ do. See? It's the girls. They're insane."

"_We're_ insane? Hello, you kissed me in front of dozens of people! And SNAPE! For no reason!"

"Yeah, but _you_ kissed _me_ in front of dozens of people for no reason," Fred retorted. "And when we were alone. And when it was just me, you, Lee, and George... oh, I'm sorry, that was _George_ you kissed, my bad."

"Oh, don't even get me started on _George!_ The point is you were insane—not to mention idiotic—to start rumors like that and not expect everyone to—!"

"Well, I forgot that you were such a bookwormy little prude that everyone would be so shocked and talk about it for the rest of our lives!" Fred bellowed, interrupting her.

Hermione dropped her cleaning supplies and glared at him dangerously. "What did you just call me?!"

"A bookwormy little prude," Fred repeated calmly, his eyes gleaming with challenge.

Hermione marched towards him. "How _dare_ you!"

"Well, it's true," Fred said rudely. "You're a bookworm and a prude."

She glared at him. "I am _not_."

"Uh-huh. Sure."

"Take it back!" Hermione growled.

"No," Fred said, his grin widening. _Oh, please let her try to prove she's not a prude,_ he thought hopefully. _Come on, Hermione..._

Hermione grabbed his shirt. "That's it, I've had it with you!" she yelled. "I'm going to do what I should have done ages ago!"

"What might that be?" Fred said mockingly.

Hermione drew back her fist. _Oh, hell,_ Fred thought desperately, _that's not what I was aiming for at all... grab her! Stop her! Or they'll never find my corpse!_

Fred took his own advice and pulled her against him; Hermione yelped and dropped her arm to push against him. She started to yell at him, but before she could get the words out he was kissing her again.

Hermione tried to keep control of herself; she pushed against his chest for a few moments before giving up and reciprocating his kiss, her shoves turning into a caress as she ran her hands over him. Fred slid his hands down to rest on her ass, surprised when she didn't pull away. He knew that, like their first kiss, he was probably going to get it once she snapped out of it, so he regretfully cut his losses and pulled back while she was still in the dazed stage. He kept his hands on her ass, looking down at her smugly; she'd yet to open her eyes.

"Okay, I take it back," he told her, "but you _are_ still a bookworm."

With that, he pinched her butt and let her go; Hermione jumped, her eyes flying open as he stepped away, calmly walked over to the discarded cleaning supplies and knelt to pick them up.

"You know what?" Hermione said irritably, eyes narrowed. "That's the last straw."

Fred wasn't quite sure how it happened; one minute, he was kneeling next to a bottle of Mrs. Skower's All-Purpose Magical Mess Remover, and the next he was flat on his back and Hermione was on top of him, her tongue in his mouth and the various cleaning supplies rolling across the bathroom floor. He wasn't about to complain, however; he let his hands wander over her body, and she made no move to stop him. Hermione moaned when he started fondling her over her robes, leaning away from him and tilting her head back, smiling. Fred watched her, his eyes half lidded, then gently began to push her onto her back and climb on top of her. His hands had just returned to her breasts when the door opened; both of them immediately jerked in surprise and stared up at the large, hulking figure of Millicent Bulstrode, who had a cigarette in her mouth and a match halfway raised to light up when she caught sight of Fred and Hermione.

Millicent stared for a long moment and then dropped the unlit match, stuffed the cigarette back in its pack and bolted out the door. "Hey, Pansy!" they could hear her yelling down the hallway. "Guess who's having sex in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom!"

Hermione groaned and buried her face in her hands; Fred, however, burst out laughing. "Oh, that was priceless," he laughed. "Did you see her face?" He looked down at Hermione, who was giving him a weary, exasperated look. His expression softened and he leaned down to kiss her neck. "One of these days, we're going to have to do this in a place where we won't be interrupted," he whispered in her ear.

Hermione swallowed. "Fred... in about three seconds, that door's going to open and fifty people are going to walk in here..."

"So what?" he said softly. "Let them watch. I don't give a damn who sees what or who says what, I haven't kissed you in ages."

Hermione shivered as he pressed himself against her. She forced herself to think straight. "What do you mean, one of these days?" she asked, trying to sound more composed than she felt as Fred sucked on her neck.

"One of these days," he repeated. "As in sometime in the future... when we've stopped playing games."

"What makes you think that'll happen?" she whispered, dying to touch him but doing her best to stop herself.

"It'll happen," he murmured against her collar bone. "I'm going to make sure of it. I'll play this game as long as you want, but when it's over, no matter who wins, you're going to be mine."

He leaned up to look in her eyes hungrily. Hermione licked her lips and Fred's gaze was drawn to the action; he stared at her mouth for a long moment before lowering his lips to hers.

Hermione kissed him for a while, letting go of her thoughts and running her hands over the muscles in his back. Then, gently, she started to push him away. Fred let her, rolling off of her so she could stand up. Wordlessly, he started to gather the discarded bottles of cleaning solution.

McGonagall came by only a few seconds later, her eyes narrowed as she took in Fred scrubbing graffiti off the wall and Hermione wiping down one of the sinks. "Weasley, you can go," McGonagall barked. Fred nodded and left without a word. Hermione bit her lip, staring up at the Transfiguration professor with trepidation. "I just want you to know," McGonagall said slowly, "that I'm not asking about this one. Go on, back to the common room."

Hermione gave her a thankful smile and left, careful to walk slowly as to avoid catching up with Fred. She had a lot to think about now, and she wasn't sure she was still playing games with him. Part of her... okay, most of her... really wanted Fred. Somewhere, in between annoying her to death and kissing her, he'd gotten under her skin. She knew it wasn't about revenge anymore, not really... it was about getting her hands on him. Revenge had become their excuse, not their motive.

Unfortunately, she had no idea how to tell Harry, Ron, and Ginny that... or, for that matter, Fred.

When she made it into the common room, everyone was whispering and pointing at her, save Harry, Ron and Ginny, who were all waiting with their eyebrows raised and their arms crossed over their chest. Fred was no where in sight. Gulping, Hermione approached her friends.

"What kind of person," Ron said in a carefully controlled tone, "has sex in _Moaning Myrtle's bathroom?"_

"Oh, don't be ridiculous, Ron," Hermione said, blushing. "I wasn't having sex, in the bathroom or anywhere else."

"Yeah?" Ron said, looking angry now. "Then how come you keep getting caught doing it?"

"Ron—"

"I don't know what's going on between you and Fred," Ron snapped, interrupting, "but I don't think you're being honest with us. Everyone's been talking about this for ages, and I'm starting to believe it myself. You've kissed him how many times now?"

Hermione sighed. She didn't want to lie to Ron, and somehow she felt that saying that there was nothing between her and Fred would be just that. "Ron... I... it's... well..."

Ron seemed to take her stammering for an admission of guilt. "You know what, Hermione? When you're ready to tell me the truth, let me know." With that, he stomped off to his dormitory.

"I'd better go calm him down," Harry said, sighing.

"No... I don't think this is a guy moment," Ginny said. "I'll go."

Hermione sat down wearily across from Harry, who was giving her a thoughtful look. "What?" she said finally.

Harry didn't reply for a moment. "You should go talk to him," he said suddenly.

"Ron won't listen to me now. He's too upset. I'll wait for Ginny to calm him down and then—"

"I'm not talking about Ron," Harry interrupted. "I'm talking about Fred."

Hermione blinked. "What?"

"It doesn't take a genius, Hermione," Harry said quietly. "You fancy him."

"I do not!" Hermione retorted automatically.

"Come on, Hermione!" Harry said, exasperated. "This is me, okay? Cut the crap. You like Fred. You probably have for a while now, you just won't admit it, to us, to yourself—well, Hermione, no matter what, you need to admit it to Fred."

Hermione stared at him before a warm smile spread over her face. Why _was_ she playing around with Fred? He liked her, she knew he did, she was just too insecure about it to let herself believe it. She liked him, too. She really did—she had always liked him as a friend, even if he got on her nerves or broke every rule conceivable. Now she liked him in a different way.

Ron would get over it, eventually. She couldn't deny she liked him too, but were they really that well-matched? Always fighting, with none of the same interests... and it wasn't like neither of them had ever liked anyone else. Hermione had had numerous crushes besides Ron, and she'd suspected him of liking one or two other girls; it wasn't like they were in love. Besides, Harry would support her, no matter what, and so would Ginny. She should just march right up there and ask Fred to go out with her... well, no; she should lure him away from Lee and George, and then get him alone and ask him to go out with her... he'd say yes, she knew he would... Harry was right. Hermione had to talk to him, now. Before he could start thinking that her asking him out was part of the game, when he could still see that she was thinking only about what he'd said in the bathroom.

"Thanks, Harry," Hermione said, standing up.

"That's what friends are for," Harry replied, taking her hand and squeezing it briefly. Hermione turned and headed purposefully for the boys' staircase. "Good luck!" Harry called after her.

Hermione took the stairs two at a time to Fred's dormitory, which was the second one, right above the sixth-year students. She had just raised her hand to knock when she heard George's voice coming from inside.

"That's great! You really got her good."

"Yeah, things are looking up," Lee said. "Completely mortifying rumor and we've not been back for twenty-four hours. We're winning this one—and we've got all those new ideas from Charlie we can use..."

"Yeah," Fred agreed.

Hermione froze, feeling as if she'd just been punched in the stomach. What had she been thinking? Of course Fred hadn't really been serious! Everything was just a joke to him, that bastard! He didn't really want her. He just wanted to piss her off and laugh at her and hear everyone congratulate him on another joke well done. He didn't like her.

Hermione felt tears well up in her eyes and she turned and ran, desperate to get out of sight before anyone saw her cry.


	18. Only One Thing Left

**Chapter Eighteen**

_Only One Thing Left_

Harry sat at the table in the common room, watching for Hermione's return. Part of him felt horrible about this; Ron certainly wouldn't be happy, and Harry felt like he'd just single-handedly killed Ron's chances with Hermione and broken Ron's heart. Still, Hermione had to do what was going to make Hermione happy, not what would make Ron happy, and she couldn't spend the rest of her life waiting for Ron, especially not while she had feelings for someone else. Also, Ron would probably hurt a lot less if she started dating Fred now than if she dated Fred after Ron had asked her out, or—worse—if she'd gone out and broken up with Ron to be with Fred or dated Ron without really feeling very romantically about him. Besides, it would be a lot easier for Ron to get over right now, and if Hermione didn't resolve the matter with Fred, Ron's friendship with her would be on dangerous ground and so would his relationship with Fred. Harry could just see the scenarios that would arise if Hermione and Fred never finished this war and said what needed to be said—Ron would always be upset whenever the two were in the room together, and there would be all sorts of mixed signals and unexpressed feelings and, in short, Hermione and Fred would always be one big mess around each other.

Harry was jolted out of his thoughts by the return of Hermione, who was practically running down the stairs. She hurried across the common room and up the girls' dormitory staircase, not looking at anyone. Something about her manner made Harry certain that she was crying, or close to it.

_Well,_ Harry thought angrily, _that went well._ _Now what? Do I comfort Hermione, or go kill Fred?_

It took quite a while to decide, as both options sounded very good and Harry was taking time out to berate himself for making the suggestion to Hermione. He finally decided that Hermione should come first, and he could kill Fred later; besides, it was probably a good idea to get the full story out of her before he killed Fred.

Harry threw his homework back in his bag and rushed up the stairs to Hermione's room. No one else was there; he wouldn't have known Hermione was, but he could hear her sobbing behind the hangings around her bed. She stopped the moment she heard the door open, however, probably thinking it was Parvati or Lavender, and only someone who knew her well would have been able to tell she was crying when she yelled, "Go away! I want to be alone, please!"

Harry shut the door behind him and Hermione broke out into sobs again, thinking he'd left. Harry put a spell on the door—one he'd learned a while back when he was desperate for something to get people to leave him alone, which would make everyone remember important appointments elsewhere and wander away when they got close.

Harry set down his bag, approached the bed and pulled back the hangings. Hermione gasped and looked up at him, then let out a relieved sigh when she saw who it was.

"Harry," she choked out.

Harry sat down next to her and Hermione promptly threw herself at him, crying uncontrollably against his chest; Harry put his arms around her and held her, muttering things like "shh" and "it'll be okay" and "I'm here" as she cried. When her tears had finally slowed, she pulled back to look up at him. Harry brushed some of the tears from her face and gave her a weak smile.

"What happened?" he asked, then immediately wished he hadn't, as this made Hermione burst into loud sobs all over again. This time, however, she tried to explain, but she was so upset that nothing really made any sense.

"Fred was… George and Lee… misunderstood… Charlie's gonna get me… lies, all lies! He… Fred… bathroom… lies… kill him… rude…"

"It'll be okay, Hermione," Harry told her. "I know it will."

Hermione smiled through her tears and leaned against him. "I'm gonna get Fred for this," she whispered. "He messed with the wrong person… and now there's only one thing left to do."

"What's that?" Harry said, stroking her hair.

"Win," she said, swallowing.

Harry wasn't sure what that meant, but he didn't think now was the time to ask her to elaborate. "You just need some sleep, Hermione. Get a good night's rest, and we'll kick his ass in the morning, okay?"

Hermione smiled. "Sounds like a plan." She sniffled, not wanting to let go of Harry. She felt like he was her lifeline sometimes, like he was her strength. "Can you stay?" she asked quietly. Over the past summer, she and Harry had often spent a lot of time sleeping in each other's beds; they fell asleep while trying to comfort each other about Cedric and Voldemort, and found each other's presence reassuring. A lot of people—especially Ron—thought it was strange, but to them it was an odd sort of extended hugging, nothing more. They were too close to be anything more that friends.

"Sure," Harry said. He kicked off his shoes and took off his glasses, and the two of them slid under her blankets, pulling the hangings closed around them.

Hermione lay awake long after Harry did, who fell asleep fairly soon. She had been so certain Fred liked her as much as she liked him… but no, it was all just a game to him, everything always was. Well, she was through playing games. If he wanted to play with her emotions, with her heart, she'd declare war on his.

* * *

"Then McGonagall told me to leave. I didn't bother to listen to their conversation," Fred said, finishing up the story of what had happened in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom.

"That's great! You really got her good."

"Yeah, things are looking up," Lee said. "Completely mortifying rumor and we've not been back for twenty-four hours. We're winning this one—and we've got all those new ideas from Charlie we can use…"

"Yeah," Fred said, trying to sound as enthusiastic as George and Lee. He really didn't give a damn about the stupid fight. All he wanted was to go up to Hermione's room, barricade the door, and shag her until well after it was time for her to graduate.

"Well, I'm going to turn in," Fred said, deciding he needed some time alone to think. "It's been a long day, and we've got Quidditch practice tomorrow."

George raised an eyebrow. _"You're _going to bed early? Fred, you haven't done that since you were five, and even then it was because you had the flu."

"Yeah, well," Fred said, turning away to pull out his pajamas so that George couldn't see his expression.

George and Lee let it go, though Fred was fairly certain George was doing some serious thinking about why Fred wanted to get to bed earlier than he had in twelve years, and Lee was probably curious himself. Still, going to bed early wasn't half as incriminating as staying up and half-heartedly discussing plans would be. George, and most likely Lee as well, would see right through him if Fred tried to talk about ways to take down Hermione. Getting the better of her no longer meant anything to Fred. Getting _her_ did.

He didn't know how to break the news to George and Lee, or Angelina, Alicia and Katie—or, for that matter, Ron—but he knew he couldn't just ignore his feelings for Hermione. He didn't care what it took, he wanted to be with her, and he had to find a way to make her forget the damned fight and return his feelings. He was fairly certain she already liked him, at least partly. Still, it wouldn't be easy to convince her that he wasn't joking, and that he wasn't a prick.

He lay awake, thinking, long after George and Lee had returned to the dormitory from the common room and gone to bed. Suddenly, he threw back his blankets. He had to talk to her, and now. He had to just do it.

He threw on his shoes and a sweater over his pajamas, marching purposefully out the door and up the stairs to the girls' dormitory… then he stopped near the top and turned around, remembering that he was supposed to do his essay for Flitwick, he had to go do that now, or he'd be—no. No, Hermione was more important; he had to stay focused. He headed back up… and promptly remembered that he had to practice a spell for Transfiguration… so down he marched again… no, wait, he had to talk to Hermione! No… no, he had to come up with a plan for that detention tomorrow with… Hermione! Must talk to Hermione! No… he couldn't, it was his week to go get food from the kitchens. Yeah. Food from the kitchens.

This time, Fred made it all the way back down to the common room before he remembered Hermione… but he had to pause anyway, as he was rather out of breath from running up and down seven flights of stairs. As he leaned against a wall, he spied Parvati and Lavender, sitting at a table not far away.

"I can't believe we forgot all this stuff!" Lavender grumbled. "How _could_ we?"

"I don't know," Parvati said wearily.

Fred frowned, something clinking into place in his brain. He kept feeling a strong urge to do something else every time he got near the top of the tower… ah, someone had put a spell on Hermione's dorm. What was she talking about that she didn't want anyone to overhear… wait. She didn't use those sorts of charms, finding it somewhat rude to make people invent chores for themselves whenever they got too close. She preferred Imperturbable Charms or Silencing Charms for privacy… so who was in her room, and why did they have a charm up to keep everyone away?

_Harry,_ Fred thought with certainty, _Harry or Ginny… probably Harry._ Harry had used that spell a lot to get people to leave him alone the first few days of term; he'd been sick of people asking him about the graveyard and Cedric. Fred knew Ginny preferred more complex charms that warned the castor when someone was approaching, and he doubted Ron would think to use a spell at all.

Sure enough, as he neared the top of the stairs again, he was reminded of dozens of seemingly urgent tasks. Still, he pushed forward; he didn't care if Harry was in there with Hermione, plotting more ways to get back at Fred, George, and Lee—he'd force Harry to leave at wand-point if he had to and force Hermione to listen to him.

_Strange,_ he thought, just as he opened the door, _they're up awfully late… it's got to be after one o'clock, why would they still be planning… why's it dark in here? What, are they sitting on her bed, chatting in the dark? Why can't I hear them? Did they put up a Silencing Charm around the bed or something…?_

Fred shrugged and pulled back the hangings, determined to make Harry go away and get Hermione to talk to him—and then froze, staring in disbelief. He'd expected to see Harry and Hermione sitting cross-legged on her bed, chatting away… but instead he found them curled up together tightly, their arms and legs clearly tangled beneath the blanket and their faces inches apart.

Fred couldn't think; his mind was complete fog. He had seen them sleeping together several times over the summer, but he had never seen them cuddling each other in their sleep. It was one thing to sleep in the same bed or maybe put your arm around someone; it was quite another to be snuggled up like that. Besides, the way he understood it, it was something they did primarily when they were really upset—when Harry was really upset, mostly. When Harry had first gotten out of the Dursleys, he and Hermione had slept in Harry's bed for the first two weeks… and then they'd slowly tapered off, eventually staying in their own rooms most of the time. As far as Fred knew, Hermione had only slept in Harry's bed once since the return to Hogwarts, right after Harry had had a particularly bad day, involving a _Daily Prophet_ article about Voldemort and Death Eaters and how Harry was full of it. Ron had grumbled about Harry and Hermione for ages and Neville, the only one who'd seen Hermione in their dorm (Harry had kept his hangings closed, and Dean and Seamus had left the room before Harry and Hermione woke up) had been rather startled. Why were they sleeping in the same bed now? Harry had been fine all day. There hadn't been any Death Eater activity, or even annoying crap. Had Fred upset Hermione somehow, and she'd asked Harry to stay with her? No, of course not, why would she be upset about what he said in the bathroom? Confused, maybe, but not upset. So what was going on? Was there another reason entirely for them to be in the same bed? If so, what?

The color drained from Fred's face as he realized just why, exactly, Harry and Hermione might be in her bed together. Had their sleeping habits over the summer been something more than comforting each other? Had that just been an excuse so no one would freak out? Did they like each other? Was that what it was about? Fred suddenly recalled Harry acting weird at the Burrow, when he'd come to call that truce for the holidays… Harry had seemed ready to give Fred advice about Hermione, and then he'd sort of remembered something and stopped himself… He'd been suggesting that Fred and Hermione wouldn't get back together if they kept carrying on, and Harry had seemed like he was about to advise Fred to stop it if he wanted Hermione back, but he'd said to forget it before he reached that point…

_Oh, god,_ Fred thought, feeling sick. _She likes Harry. Harry likes her. She's been messing with me this whole time, trying to confuse me, trying to make me think—_

He yanked the curtains around her bed closed and fairly stomped out of the room, forgetting to shut the door as he marched back to his dormitory. Of course she didn't like him. Why had he thought she had? It didn't matter. She'd pissed him off now. Sure, she'd done quite a few things that had bothered him, but now… now it was worse. Now it hurt. Now he was truly _ready_ to take her down.

He was so angry that he kicked the door to his dormitory open then slammed it shut. "Quiet," Lee mumbled, rolling over in his bed.

"Wake up!" Fred yelled. "Come on, guys, get up! We've got a war to plan!"


	19. Gossip

**Chapter Nineteen**

_Gossip_

Hermione woke up feeling both calm yet extremely tired, and it took her a moment to remember why. Waking up next to Harry had always made her feel very peaceful; it was a reminder that no matter what, she had a great friend in Harry, and he would always be there for her, and she for him. Usually, however, she felt much more rested—but then, she'd been crying long and hard yesterday.

Fred. Fred, that stupid prat. He'd started the fight, and he'd gone way too far to finish it.

She nestled closer to Harry, determined not to cry again. She would talk to Harry and Ginny, and maybe Ron if he'd cooled off, and they'd dig back into the war with Fred as hard as possible. Ron probably wouldn't notice Hermione's renewed vigor, but Harry most certainly would, as well as Ginny; Hermione doubted that either of them would call her on it, however. They'd simply be there for her and help her, and refrain from asking just why her resolve had hardened. If they did ask, they would give up if she told them that she didn't want to talk.

Harry shifted in his sleep, and Hermione smiled at him before resting her head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat as she made plans to take Fred down. Harry's wrist rested on his stomach and she absently watched his wristwatch, wanting to get Harry out of her room before Parvati and Lavender awoke. Just as she was considering waking him up, a familiar squeal sounded.

"Oh, my god, d'you think those are Fred's shoes!"

"D'you think that's his bag?"

"Shh, let's find out."

Hermione could hear Parvati and Lavender attempting to sneak over to her bed. Hermione had no time to even wake Harry, let alone hide him. Panicking, she simply squeezed her eyes shut, feigning sleep as the hangings around her bed were jerked back and wishing she could simply Apparate far, far away so that she could die of embarrassment in peace.

"Oh. My. G—AAHH!"

Hermione's eyes opened as Harry's wrist suddenly flew upwards; she turned to look and saw that Harry, his eyes half-closed, had seized the front of Lavender's robes in an iron grip.

"Either of you says a word to anyone," Harry said, in a calm-but-threatening tone, "and _I'll kill you both._ Understand?"

"Yeah, Harry," Lavender squeaked. Parvati nodded emphatically beside her.

Harry released Lavender after a moment, and the two girls quickly scurried away, pulling the hangings back shut around Harry and Hermione. Harry waited until he heard Parvati and Lavender finish gathering their shower things and leave the room before he turned to Hermione. "G'morning," he said, grinning.

"Morning," Hermione said, grinning back. "That was brilliant, by the way."

"Do you think it worked?" he asked.

"I don't know," Hermione said, "but the look on their faces was enough for me."

He chuckled, but then his face grew serious. "Listen, Hermione… about Fred…"

"I don't want to talk about it," Hermione said, her mouth set in a firm line.

Harry sighed; from the look on her face, he could almost see her shutting herself down, putting away the emotional pain and replacing it with righteous anger and a determination to kick butt. Still, as Hermione had predicted, he decided to leave it alone, at least for now. To his surprise, however, Hermione had another topic of discussion in mind.

"I _do_ want to talk about the fight with Fred, though," she said, her eyes flashing. "Listen, I think what we need to do here is use gossip to our advantage. I know you don't want to do it, not really, but can we still use that plan? The one where you ask me out?"

Harry grimaced. He hadn't really liked that plan; talking to Fred at the Burrow, while calling the truce, had been the only time they'd done anything along those lines, and Harry had felt rather odd about the whole thing. He didn't really like the idea of Fred thinking that Harry wanted Hermione, partially because there was always a chance that Fred would just say, "Hey, you can have her" and that would be a very… wrong situation. Then, too, there was a chance that Harry was wrong about whatever had happened the day before, that maybe Hermione was wrong about it too, and that Fred really liked Hermione—and who knew what Fred would do if he thought Harry was trying to "move in on his girl?" All sorts of things could go wrong with such an idea, and just about all of them would come down hard on Harry; Fred, despite his joking demeanor, was incredibly smart, and Harry was quite worried what would happen if Fred ever got it together or figured out their plans. Still, it was for Hermione and she was his friend; hell, she'd saved his life on more than one occasion, his life and Ron's and Sirius's and the entire world's, albeit indirectly. He wouldn't feel right abandoning her just because he might wind up embarrassed, especially not after she'd just spent an hour crying on his shoulder the day before.

"All right," he said slowly, smiling, "but now that Parvati and Lavender have seen me in here, that could get tricky."

Hermione laughed. "I love you, Harry," she said, shaking her head. "Anyway, I was thinking… d'you think you could come to the detention tonight? Under the cover of needing homework help or something?"

"Er… well, I'll have to see about Quidditch practice," Harry said reluctantly. "But I'm sure Angelina won't hold it without Fred, so it shouldn't be a problem. Why? What's the plan?"

"Basically just for you to show up, and for me to spend time with you instead of Fred. We need to set a base for this you-liking-me thing, so that it doesn't come out of the blue."

Harry nodded, though he was fairly certain that Hermione just didn't want anything to happen with Fred right now and wanted Harry to show so that Fred would hold back. "All right, sounds like a plan," he said. "Listen, I better get out of here, before anyone else…"

"Yeah," Hermione agreed. "We need to get to breakfast, anyway. I'll meet you downstairs in a few minutes."

"Okay," Harry said, smiling at her before heading out, immediately feeling rather blah once he left. He and Hermione weren't much for hugging or anything on a day-to-day basis; they rarely did anything of the sort except on nights like the previous one. Leaving in the morning had always made him feel sort of funny, like he was leaving a nice protective fortress and heading out onto a battlefield filled with death.

Thankfully, the common room was still empty when he reached it, and he picked up the pace towards his room, not wanting anyone to see him leaving the girls' dormitories in the clothes he'd been wearing yesterday. He made it up the stairs in record time and pushed open his door.

Ron, who was standing by his bed and pulling on his robes, turned to glare at Harry angrily. "And where've you been, huh?" he growled, and pushed past Harry to stomp down the stairs.

Harry sighed. "It's going to be a long day," he muttered.

* * *

Four in the morning had found Fred standing next to hastily-created chart full of evil plots that he was explaining in-depth to George and Lee. When he'd finally finished relating his newest plan, he'd turned to find that George was asleep and Lee was snoring softly. Sudden realization had dawned on him.

"My god," Fred had said in horror, "I've become Oliver Wood."

He'd thrown the chart into his trunk and practically ran for his bed, memories of similar middle-of-the-night strategy meetings during Oliver's Quidditch dictatorship floating through his head. Fred couldn't even begin to count the number of times his good friend had burst into the room at one a.m. and ranted about the Quidditch team while he and George attempted to ignore Oliver's voice and sleep and Lee put a spell around his bed to block sound. Fred now fully understood that he was losing it, and had to do what he could to calm down before it was too late.

Still, Fred thought the night hadn't been a total waste, planning-wise. Most of the discussion when George and Lee had been at least half-awake had involved new ways to get one up on Hermione, so Fred was certain that by morning, he would have any feelings for her out of his system and would be fully prepared to take her down. To kick her butt. To slaughter her.

When he woke up, he wanted Hermione.

Damn.

He lay there in bed, listening to Lee snore away, silently yelling at himself to knock it off with the Hermione crap. Yes, she was pretty. Yes, she was smart. Yes, she was a troublemaker pretending to be a Percy. Yes, she was one of the most awesome people he'd ever met. But she'd messed with him. Therefore, she had to go DOWN.

_Oh, shut up,_ a small voice (which sounded like a cross between his mother and Percy) whispered from somewhere deep within him. _You're just mad that she doesn't like you. You KNOW this whole mess is your fault._

Fred struggled to refute that claim, but he couldn't. It HAD been his fault (though he had to admit that given the opportunity, he'd do it all over again, just for the look on Hermione's face), and all he really wanted was for Hermione to like him. He didn't really care, not anymore. She could punch him, she could punch his brother, she could embarrass him in front of the entire wizarding world; he didn't care… and another voice (one that sounded more like George) cut in just then.

_Hey, when have you ever let anything stop you from doing what you want?_

Fred frowned, his mind suddenly reeling. What _was_ stopping him? So she liked Harry, so what? He could still get her. If she'd liked Harry all along… well, that hadn't stopped her from kissing Fred, had it? A crush on Harry, even dating Harry, didn't mean much. Hell, if she'd felt that way about Harry from the start, then it didn't mean a thing; she'd responded to Fred well enough. She couldn't really fake that, could she? No, of course not. Besides, who was to say he couldn't change her mind? If he could drive her to do half the things she'd done recently, surely he could make her like him.

Fred grinned and sat up, more cheerful than he'd been in days. As he'd told her yesterday—no matter what, she was going to be his.

* * *

The moment Snape opened the door to the staffroom, feminine giggling reached his ears. He groaned; some of the female teachers had become far too interested in whatever the hell was going on between Granger and Psycho Weasley Number One, in his opinion. McGonagall, Sprout, Vector, Hooch, and Sinistra had all been keeping tabs on Granger for years, practically reliving their youth vicariously through her. She was everyone's favorite student, save for the teachers who no longer had her—in other words, Snape couldn't go into the staffroom without hearing about Granger. Most of the teachers also liked Psycho Weasley Number One and Number Two, even though they wouldn't admit it. McGonagall had been quite proud of herself for getting Granger to retaliate, and the other women had given her a pat on the back.

While Snape was quite tempted to simply turn around, retreat to his quarters and wait for Granger and Psycho Weasley Number One to graduate, he knew that he had to put a stop to the nonsense among the teachers if he was going to have a moment's peace for the next few years. Bracing himself, Snape pushed to door open fully.

"So Hermione looked mortified?" Sprout was asking McGonagall.

"Quite," McGonagall said. "I've never seen anyone run as fast as Hermione did from that bathroom."

"She was moving rather slowly on her way back to Gryffindor tower, though," Sinistra said. "Passed her in the halls; she looked like she was on autopilot."

"Autopilot?" Vector said, frowning.

"Muggle term," Sinistra said with a sigh, "never mind."

"Aren't you lot a tad old to be gossiping?" Snape said, announcing his presence.

"Women are never too old to gossip," Sprout quipped.

"Though men are often stupid enough to call them old," Hooch said, giving him a glare.

Snape rolled his eyes in disgust and sat down. "When are you five going to stop this ridiculous rumor-swapping? It is quite tiresome."

"It's fun, though," Hooch said, "and mostly because you find it tiresome." The others laughed.

Snape sighed. "How on Earth can you find any of this interesting? Until one of them kills the other, I see no entertainment value."

"That's because you're boring, Severus," Sinistra said, grinning.

"Aren't you the least bit curious, Severus?" McGonagall said, folding a long silvery cloak that lay in a heap on the table in front of her.

"No, I'm—wait. Is that an invisibility cloak?"

"Yes," McGonagall said briskly. "We've decided to go see what Fred and Hermione are really getting up to."

"Why on Earth would you want to see that?" Snape said in disgust.

"Honestly, men have no sense of romance," Sprout said, shaking her head sadly.

"Putting on invisibility cloaks to spy on a couple of idiot teenagers making out during detention hardly constitutes as romance," Snape said, rolling his eyes again.

"Sure you don't want to come, Severus?" Hooch said, batting her eyelashes at him. "You might learn a few things about dating," she added mockingly.

An angry reply was on the tip of Snape's tongue when he caught himself. Whatever Granger was doing with Psycho Weasley Number One, it was most assuredly against school rules—and would probably be enough to get them both suspended, or at least in detention for a very long time, when one counted upon the disregard for the rules possessed by those two students in particular. Not only that, but they were both Gryffindors, and a few more broken rules would mean enough house points taken from Gryffindor to secure a Slytherin victory in the house cup.

"All right," Snape said slowly, relishing the shocked looks on his female coworkers' faces. "I'll go."

With that, Snape left, not needing to look at the others to know that they were all gaping after him in disbelief.

* * *

_End Notes:_

I promised myself I wouldn't get into review responses on this one, as it's so taxing to do them for one story, and I just couldn't handle doing it for two, especially not for the two I get the most reviews on. Still, a few people have raised questions that I feel need answers.

Punked-gal: Why Fred? Mostly just because I find Fred cooler. He's more prominent in the books, however slightly, and he has cooler lines. In Goblet of Fire, there are a lot of moments that you can see a Fred/Hermione story developing; you can't as readily see a George/Hermione story. Like, you know, Fred offers Hermione a tart, he tells her how to get to the kitchens, they say the same line in the owlery… and in Order of the Phoenix, I could see even more of it. I just think Fred is cooler than George and more likely to be with Hermione. I want to write a fic one day where they're having a relationship DURING Order of the Phoenix, playing off the scenes with the two of them in that book.

Katie and Alex: No, there's only gonna be Fred/Hermione romance. I don't do Ron/Hermione stories; the closest I come is when I have them dating at the beginning of a fic and breaking up sometime during it. When it comes down to it, I really don't even like Ron as much as the other characters. I have about twenty different people I like better. I don't think Hermione and Ron are well-matched, either… but hey, like they say, "To each his own."

Citcat229: Yeah, I read that about the dorms, but it was AFTER I got the idea for this fic that the fifth book came out, and I decided that I liked the idea enough to just take creative license with that thing about the dorms. Besides, it didn't make sense to me that the students wouldn't figure out how to beat it… for example, how would Oliver wake up Angelina, Alicia and Katie for Quidditch practice at the crack of dawn? And I'm sure people like the twins are tricky enough to get past it… and if you FLEW up the stairs, rather than walked up them… anyway, I realized this fic just couldn't work without at least Fred going up there, and I decided that since he could get up there, I might as well just destroy the whole rule and let Harry and Ron up there. Thanks, though!

Auddie (also commented on by Ehlonna, dizzydragon, and Lady Angelique of mystique): Yeah, I use the Harry/Hermione sleeping in the same bed in several fics, including "The Prank War," and I'll probably use it in "We Woke Up Married" and several fics that I've yet to post. I really liked that idea, just like some of the other things that reoccur in my fics (this story, actually, started as a reoccurring element in "A Night at the Three Broomsticks" and "Harry's New Family") and I do find it useful. I used to do that with one guy friend in particular, a guy named Patrick, and it always made me feel really good, like everything was okay, cuz I had him. I really liked the idea of Harry and Hermione doing that; it seemed natural for them, like something they would do.


	20. Stunned Snape

**Chapter 20**

_Stunned Snape_

As Fred waltzed into the Great Hall beside his exhausted brother and friend, he caught sight of Angelina, Alicia and Katie, who were all marching towards the twins and Lee with black looks on their faces. Fred braced himself, but was in far too good a mood to worry.

"Hey, guys," Fred said, giving them a small smile and having enough sense not to make a joke; he'd known the girls long enough to know when they wanted to strangle him.

"Do the words 'Quidditch practice' mean anything to you?" barked Angelina, the Gryffindor Quidditch Captain.

"Oh," Fred said, cringing. "Yeah, that."

"I've spoken to McGonagall, and she said that you can come to practice as soon as you've finished the bathroom you're to clean today," Angelina continued. "Meet us in the common room when you're done, and hurry up. And tell George, too."

The girls swept away. Fred frowned, wondering what she'd meant by "tell George," and looked behind him to find that Lee and George had both run for it when they'd seen the girls approach.

Fred rolled his eyes and went to pick him up some breakfast. Who cared if his three closest friends—after George and Lee—were pissed off? He had a girl to win over.

Classes moved quickly, Fred barely hearing a word that was said as he waited for day to end and detention to begin, idly marveling at his peculiar desire to actually go to detention. Just after dinner, he arrived at McGonagall's office to find Hermione already there, wordlessly gathering supplies before heading out to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. Fred got his own stuff and followed, unable to stop grinning the whole way. He thought for a few moments about whether he should put up a "Closed for Cleaning" sign on the door, but decided against it; given what had happened yesterday, that would attract twice as many people.

Fred set down his bottles and brushes and turned to Hermione, who was all ready starting to clean the sinks. Fred opened his mouth, a prepared speech all ready to tumble out when a knock on the door sounded. Hermione practically ran to the door to open it, leaving Fred to frown and wonder who dared disrupt his master plan.

"Harry!" Hermione exclaimed happily. "Oh, I'm so glad you could make it!"

Fred gaped in furious disbelief as Harry stepped into the bathroom, smiling. "Thanks for letting me come," he said. He held up his Charm book. "I'm really behind."

"Oh, Harry, how can you be behind two days after vacation?" Hermione said in exasperation as she shut the door behind Harry.

"I was behind long before vacation," Harry said with a shrug. "Besides, normal people don't do extra homework on _vacation,_ Hermione."

Hermione giggled. "All right, what are you having problems with?"

"Well, this thing about—"

"You invited Harry to our detention!" Fred burst out suddenly, for all the world as though Hermione had brought Harry along on their honeymoon.

Harry and Hermione turned to look at him blankly, remembering his presence. "He needed homework help," Hermione said, raising her eyebrows at Fred's tone and angry expression.

"But… but… this is _our_ detention!"

"Yes, and it'll be a lot less boring if I have Harry to talk to," Hermione told him, then promptly turned her back on him and started scrubbing a sink.

Fred stared at her back, enraged. She was messing up his plan! And she was doing it on purpose! She was sending a message, and Fred got it, loud and clear—she would rather spend time with Harry than with Fred. Fred picked up a bottle of cleaner, squeezing it so hard it was a wonder it didn't break.

"I haven't been in here in years," Harry was saying, glancing around. "That's where we brewed the Polyjuice Potion—and oh, wow. The entrance to the Chamber of Secrets—"

"Oh, yes, I see the little snake you told me about," Hermione said. "So you just spoke to it and it let you right in?"

"It took a second to figure out how to use Parseltongue on demand, but yeah, that was how it worked." Harry grinned. "I can still see Ron shoving Lockheart down the pipe—"

"Oh, no one cares!" Fred roared, his yell so abrupt that Harry and Hermione jumped. "Get _out_ of my detention, Harry! Go on, get!"

Once again, Harry and Hermione just sort of stared at him, startled. "You heard me!" Fred shouted. "Out! Out! Now is a time for ki—cleaning! Go on, you can do your homework later! By yourself, like a normal stupid person!"

Hermione glared at Fred, while Harry settled on a blank, Fred-really-has-lost-it look. Fred could have sworn he heard a suppressed chuckle, but if either Harry or Hermione was amused, they were hiding it well. "You have no right to make him leave," Hermione snapped at Fred.

Fred thought for a second, then pointed the bottle of cleaner at her in triumph. "Ha! It's a girls' bathroom! _He's_ not allowed!"

"Like that ever stopped anyone," Hermione said, rolling her eyes. "And in case you haven't noticed, Fred, _you're_ a guy. A sad excuse for one, but a guy nonetheless."

Fred ignored the insult. "I was ordered to be here! He was not! Therefore, he should leave!"

"There's no reason for him to leave, and you can't make him, anyway!"

"Yeah? What do you think McGonagall would say about this?"

"Fred Weasley, telling on someone who's breaking a rule? Yeah, right. Besides, I looked it up. As long as it doesn't affect the work getting done, there's no rule against socializing during a detention."

"Then how come we keep getting in trouble for it, eh?" Fred said. "It is obviously quite illegal! Harry now belongs in Azkaban!"

"Would you listen to yourself?" Hermione said, throwing up her hands. "You're a raving lunatic!"

"Which I'm sure is your fault!"

"I should have brought popcorn," Harry muttered, sitting down on a sink.

_"My_ fault? You've driven me far crazier than I've driven you!"

"Excuse me? I'm turning into Oliver Wood! Drawing battle plans and discussing strategy at one in the morning! The horror!"

Fred realized that he was waving his arms around wildly only after the bottle of cleaner slipped from his fingers and went flying; it soared unheeded into a corner—and then bounced off of something before it could hit the wall.

"OW! IDIOT GRYFFINDORS!"

Harry, Hermione and Fred all turned towards the corner, their wands raised. "Who's there?" Harry called.

"I'm warning you, _now is not the time to intrude on me!"_ Fred yelled at whoever it was.

"What do we do?" came a soft whisper, a different voice than the first they'd heard, a female voice that sounded quite familiar.

"Show yourself!" Hermione snapped. "I'm a prefect!"

"Yes, and prefects are oh-so-scary," Fred said, rolling his eyes.

"Shut up, Fred!"

"Make me, you… you… bookwormy little prude, you!"

"How DARE you! Don't _even_ start that—"

"IF WHOEVER IS IN THAT CORNER DOESN'T COME OUT NOW," Harry roared over the sound of Fred and Hermione's bickering, "I'M GOING TO CURSE YOU BUT GOOD."

"Run!" hissed another new voice.

"Go! GO!" said another.

"Fifty points from Gryffindor!" the first voice said.

There was the sound of hurried footsteps and then the door opened of its own accord. _"Stupefy!"_ Hermione shouted several times aiming wildly at the door, and Fred and Harry joined in.

When they couldn't hear anyone else trying to run, Hermione strode forward with her hands outstretched until she bumped into something, a Stunned person, and yanked the invisibility cloak they were wearing down—

Revealing the face of none other than Professor Severus Snape.

Harry, Hermione and Fred stared in disbelief and not a little horror. "So THAT'S how he keeps catching us," Fred breathed. "What a slimy little git."

"I just Stunned Snape!" Hermione wailed. "Oh my god! What do we do!"

Fred, the resident expert on avoiding getting into trouble, pointed his wand around the room, muttering the cleaning spells that would take care of the work they were supposed to do by hand. "What do you think?" he snapped, scooping up the cleaning supplies and pushing past her to sprint out the door. Hermione followed a split-second later, after throwing the cloak back over Snape's face, Harry right on her heels. Harry and Hermione dashed towards Gryffindor Tower, while Fred ran to McGonagall's office to return the cleaning supplies.

If Fred hadn't been so intent on putting as much distance as possible between himself and the Stunned Head of Slytherin House, he would have wondered at the peculiar scene of Professors McGonagall, Hooch, Sinistra, Vector and Sprout, grouped just down the hall from the bathroom and laughing their heads off.

* * *

Ron sat in the common room with Angelina, Alicia and Katie, waiting for Fred to show up so that they could start Quidditch practice. The three girls were gossiping about something or another; he had absolutely no idea what, however. Once again, he was dwelling on Fred and Hermione.

Ron had first developed a crush on Hermione the moment he saw her, popping into the train compartment five years ago on his first trip to Hogwarts, storming in and taking over his life. He'd never said anything to her about his feelings, not wanting to ruin their friendship or have her reject him and as such be awkward around him for the rest of her life. Over the years, he'd started to resign himself to just being her friend, figuring that it was better than nothing, and for the most part, he'd enjoyed her friendship without feeling like he wouldn't be satisfied with only being friends.

It bugged him, though, that Hermione liked Fred; there was no doubt about that. It would probably always bug him. But he knew from experience that there was no helping who you had a crush on. If she liked Fred, and not Ron, Ron doubted he could change that. He doubted he could do anything but be happy for her, like Harry was trying to be, and Ginny. Ron knew he had to let it go, stop being angry with Harry and Ginny for trying to tell him that he should support Hermione, and just take their advice.

Just then, the portrait hole swung open, and Hermione and Harry practically leaped through the entrance before sagging against it, gasping. They turned to look at each other and then both started laughing. Ron frowned, wondering just what was going on.

"I have Quidditch practice," Harry gasped finally. "I'd better go change."

"Yes, I'll see you later," Hermione said, and headed up the stairs to the girls' dormitories.

Harry headed for his own room, still smiling. "What's going on?" Katie said as he passed. "Is Hermione's detention over?"

"Yeah," Harry told her. "Fred should be here any second."

Ron watched as Harry started up the stairs, and suddenly made up his mind, his anger about Hermione and Fred evaporating. If Ron could only be friends with Hermione, then so be it.

"Hey, Harry!" Ron called. "Wait up."

* * *

George didn't say anything as he headed down to Quidditch practice with Fred, following Angelina, Alicia and Katie at minimum safe distance, with Harry and Ron—the team's Keeper—not far behind, the two of them talking amicably, a drastic change from the frosty silence Ron had been keeping since morning. George stored that information away for later thought, and turned instead to his twin, who was doing his best to seem fine. George wasn't fooled, however. He knew Fred was unbelievably pissed off, and it didn't take an Einstein to figure out that it had something to do with Hermione.

Practice started with few words exchanged between most of the team; Harry concentrated on the Snitch, Angelina and Alicia and Katie attempted to get the Quaffle past Ron, and George and Fred smacked a single Bludger to each other, then one twin would protect the team while the other tried to knock the team off their brooms before they switched positions. Fred wasn't playing his best; he was too good a player to let the Bludger by too often, but there were a few near misses and some screams from the rest of the team. George frowned each time Fred missed an easy hit and stayed lost in thought himself for most of the practice.

For some time now, he'd wondered if Fred really liked Hermione. It wasn't exactly inconceivable. She was intelligent, she was clever, she was nice, she was tough, and she was fun to be around when she wasn't trying to pretend that she'd never broken a rule in her life. She wasn't bad-looking, either; she wasn't gorgeous like some girls, but she was a far cry from ugly, especially when she tried or gave in to Ginny's pleas to put more thought into her appearance. And George knew first-hand that she was a damned good kisser. Yeah, they'd always just sort of thought of her as Ron's friend, or Harry's friend, or the chick with some freakish love of books and a somewhat misplaced sense of injustice about house elves, but she was still a cool, good-looking girl. Now that Fred had stopped thinking of her as a kid who liked to read and occasionally pull some heroic feat, George wouldn't be at all surprised if Fred had a thing for her. In all actuality, the question probably wasn't if Fred liked her or not; no, the question was how to get Fred to pull his head out of his ass and do something normal for a change, like ask out the girl he liked. Although another question might be just why Fred kept trying to kill Harry all throughout practice (Harry was now on the lookout for the Bludger more than the Snitch) and what had happened last night to make Fred start an Oliver-Wood-like meeting in the middle of the night.

Well, if George wanted to make his brother pull his head out of his ass, his best bet was probably to get Hermione to pull her head out of her ass first. She might be stubborn, but at least she wasn't completely insane.


	21. Master Plan

_Author's Notes:_ GASP! The final chapter! Tee hee. Actually, I got an idea for an epilogue, but I'm not sure if I'll write it or not; for now, expect this to be the last chapter of "Just a Harmless Joke." If I have any news about the epilogue or a sequel, I'll put it on my biography page, or you'll see it on author alert if you sign up for that. :sniffles: Oh, it's so sad… It's actually OVER… Well, I'm working on e-mailing everyone I said I'd e-mail, and reading everything I said I'd read, and replying to all the reviews and e-mails I've been getting… I just was editing this story and got so nostalgic that I realized I needed to post it and let it go, rather than stare at it and sniffle pathetically; I am SO gonna miss this story. I hope you all will, too; let me know what you think of the conclusion.

* * *

**Chapter Twenty-One**

_Master Plan_

_I'm completely insane,_ Hermione grumbled to herself as she headed for the library. She needed books, and she needed them now. Harry was at practice, Ginny was serving detention for something to do with roaring (and—mostly—harmless) lions roaming the Slytherin dormitories, and Ron was at practice as well, not to mention rather pissed off at her, and even Crookshanks was off wandering around somewhere. So Hermione turned to the last comfort she could think of—books.

Try as she might, she couldn't get Fred out of her head. She liked him, she knew she liked him, and it hurt that he didn't like her back. It seemed so stupid to her—after everything else she had to deal with, Voldemort and Harry and Sirius and so on, a crush should be nothing. But it wasn't nothing; it was driving her mad.

She couldn't stop trying to analyze Fred's reaction to Harry's presence. Had he been pissed that Harry was there because Fred wanted to further some stupid plan to embarrass her, or had it been because he looked forward to being alone with her? She wanted to believe it was the second, but she didn't dare hope for it. Still, his reaction had seemed… off. Not just in the whole I've-gone-mad way, but… there was something more to it. Was she reading too much into it? Was it possible he liked her after all? No, of course not, that was—

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

Hermione screamed as someone grabbed her arm and yanked her behind a suit of armor and into a secret passage. A hand covered her mouth to keep her from yelling and she began to panic, kicking out—

"OW! Stop it! It's me!"

George. Well, then—

"OW! OW! Quit it! OW! OW! _OW!"_

George let her go and Hermione whirled to face him. "What the hell are you doing!" she hissed.

"Keeping you from screaming so a half-dozen teachers don't show up," George groaned, rubbing his shins. "Was that necessary?"

"You're lucky I didn't have my wand out," she snarled. "Don't DO that!"

"Well, excuuuuuse me, but I wanted to talk to you."

"And you couldn't get my attention the normal way?"

"First of all, that's absolutely no fun, and second, that rarely works with you anymore."

"Which is your fault."

"Yeah, yeah."

Hermione sighed. "What do you want, George? And why aren't you at Quidditch practice?"

"Angelina finally figured out that Fred was trying to kill Harry when he missed Harry for the thirty-seventh time and tried to bash Harry with his bat."

"WHAT!"

"Yeah, she was really slow on the uptake, if you ask me. I mean, all those times when Fred missed the Bludger, she couldn't tell he was out of it? And the Bludger flying almost exclusively at Harry, I mean, come on—"

"Not Angelina, you moron, Fred! Oh, god, Harry's gonna kill me! I knew I…" Hermione trailed off, frowning. Surely Fred wasn't THAT pissed about Harry coming to the detention? Had… had he already picked up on the message she was trying to send, that Harry supposedly liked her? If so, how? And if he had, why had that pissed him off?

"Figured it out yet?" George asked mildly. She looked up to see him leaning casually against the wall, watching her expression; she knew her thoughts were probably quite visible on her face.

"Figured what out?" she said sourly.

George sighed and stood up straight, looking her straight in the eye, his gaze intense to the point of being intimidating. "What the hell have you done to my brother?"

"What do you—?"

"Don't you dare play innocent," George said in a commanding tone. "He's lost his mind, Hermione. You're all he talks about. He hasn't been truly enthusiastic about making plans since the beginning of this mess. Last night, he went to bed early, laid there awake most of the night, and some time after I fell asleep, he left the room, and then came back pissed off and with a maniacal gleam in his eye that I've only ever seen in Quidditch captains. What did you do?"

"I didn't do anything," Hermione said, frowning and looking away. Was George to be trusted? Something was off about him; for the first time since she'd met him, George seemed serious and sincere at the same time. Her instincts told her to believe him, and there was something else, but what…?

_Fred left the dorms in the middle of the night last night and came back angry… oh, god. Last night… I was with Harry._

Hermione burst out laughing. So that was it; Fred _really_ believed she was with Harry or something. How completely ironic; they'd planned to do such a thing and before they could get the plot halfway off the ground, Fred had done the work for them and skipped straight to the end.

Why had it pissed him off, though? Was she ruining some evil plan with the Harry thing? Must be; there was no other explanation… right?

Just then, she heard two familiar voices in the hallway outside—Harry and Ron, making their way back from Quidditch practice.

"I'm going to kill Hermione," Harry growled. "He could've killed me!"

"Yeah, it was awful." Ron let out a few snorts of suppressed laughter.

"Oh, shut up. I knew this would happen."

"You knew Fred was going to fly at you in the middle of Quidditch practice, swinging like mad and screaming 'She's MINE' like a lunatic?"

"I knew he liked her, and that he'd probably try to kill me the moment we went through with this stupid plan. Well, I'm done with this. I have too many people trying to kill me as it is!"

"Well, at least we know how he really feels about Hermione," Ron said, not sounding the least bit upset by it.

Hermione froze, shocked to the core. Was that it? Was Harry right? Had Fred really been telling the truth the day before? Had she misinterpreted what she'd overheard him say to Lee and George?

She looked up at George, no longer laughing, her face uncertain. George sighed and gave her a pleading look.

"Listen, I'm not really good with the whole pep-talk/advice thing, okay? Fred likes you, accept it, you like him, accept that too, go snog him, okay?" She gave him a funny look. "What? Weasleys don't do wise men impersonations, damn it. Just go ask him out, will you? I can't take much more of this. I'm tired of getting beat up and humiliated."

Hermione smiled, suddenly feeling like a new person. Fred wanted her. Fred wanted her, and she wanted him, and that was all there was to it.

"Where's Fred now?" she asked.

"Our room," George said, hope creeping into his voice. "Are you going to talk to him? …Or are you going to beat the crap out of him?"

Hermione laughed again leaned up to peck George a kiss on the cheek. "Thanks, George," she said, heading for the exit. She paused at the entrance to the hallway and gave him a final grin. "And I'm really sorry about your eye."

George watched her go, shaking his head. "Mental, that one," he murmured. "She's perfect for him."

* * *

Fred lay on his bed, his thoughts alternating between praying that no one turned him in for trying to kill Harry (Dumbledore took attempts on Harry's life very seriously, after all) and beating himself up. How stupid could he be? Great way to get on a girl's good side—scream at her during detention, then try to kill her close friend and crush/boyfriend/whatever the hell they were.

The door opened and Fred groaned inwardly, not wanting to face a lot of questions or accusations from George and Lee and quite possibly Angelina, Alicia and Katie. He cringed, praying he'd be left alone, closing his eyes as the hangings around his bed were yanked back in the hopes that he could feign sleep.

"Oh, come on, you idiot," said an all-to-familiar voice that made his body jerk with shock. "I know you're not asleep."

Fred's eyes flew open and he stared at Hermione dumbly, completely clueless as to what to do; part of him wanted to run and part of him wanted to grab her, pull her to him, and shut the hangings again. "What?" he said stupidly, unable to think. Why was she here? She'd never come here before, except on Christmas once or twice, and that was just to give them their presents. Especially not when they were in the middle of a war.

"You're an idiot," Hermione said, her arms folded across her chest as she leaned against the wall, looking down at him. "Why couldn't you just ask me out like a normal person?"

Fred sat up and glared at her. "What makes you think I want to ask you out?" he snapped. "Why don't you just go back to Harry and leave me alone?"

Hermione giggled and Fred jumped up, glaring at her, but she just smiled up at him, unfazed. "I think the better question is what makes you think I want to be with Harry?" she said calmly.

Fred rolled his eyes. "Don't even try to deny it," he growled. "I know you like him. I saw you two last night."

"You saw us doing something we do all the time, you mean."

Fred frowned. "You've only ever done that when one of you is upset," he said. "And there wasn't anything going on yesterday, nothing about You-Know-Who or the Death—"

"I was upset," she interrupted. "I heard George and Lee congratulating you on a joke well done in the bathroom."

Fred's jaw dropped. "You… what?"

"I decided to come talk to you, and I heard George and Lee saying it had been a joke," she repeated. "I don't know why I didn't guess you were just being a typical guy and putting up a front about it. All the time I spent with Harry and Ron, and all the times you've lied your ass off—"

"What makes you think it was anything more than a joke?" Fred snapped.

"George," she said, still completely calm. "He stopped me for a chat."

Fred blinked. "George went to talk to you?" She nodded. "But… but… George is terrified of you!"

"As well he should be," she said with a grin. "But he told me you've been B.S.'ing him for quite a few weeks now—"

"Damn that intuitive twin thing," Fred muttered.

"—and helped me figure out your master plan," she finished, her tone becoming softer, her eyes shining as she smiled at him.

Fred found himself smiling back, his anger melting away. She did like him, she really did, she wanted to be with him, it wasn't all a joke after all…

"You figured it out, eh?" he said. "Damn. You mean I have to come up with a new way to kill Harry?"

Hermione laughed, pushing away from the wall and walking towards him, stopping barely a foot away. "Oh, come on," she said, "you knew you'd never get away with it. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's keeping people from murdering my friends."

Fred grinned. "You just _love_ messing with me, don't you."

"It's becoming a new favorite hobby," Hermione said mock-seriously.

"What's the other? Messing with George? Or riding on jinxed sleds?"

Hermione's eyes narrowed. "I'm going to get you back for that one, you know. One day, when you least expect it, I'm going to strap _you_ to a jinxed sled and send you shooting off all over the countryside."

Fred threw back his head and laughed. "You've got one hell of a poker-face, you know that? I can almost believe you're not joking."

"I'm not," she growled, socking him in the arm.

"Ow," he said, still laughing. "Okay, well, assuming that you're not going to try it at the moment, what _are_ you doing here?"

"I came up here to talk… mostly," Hermione told him.

"Mostly?" Fred repeated suspiciously.

She grinned up at him. "I have one or two other things in mind, I'll admit."

"Do they include a black eye?" he couldn't resist asking.

She giggled. "No," she said, looking up at him through her eyelashes, "even better."

"Oh, yeah? Come to break a few bones? Or could you just not wait until tomorrow's detention to get your hands on me?"

Hermione smiled, shaking her head. "The correct answer is B."

He raised his eyebrows at her. "Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah."

A slow smile spread across his face. "Did you _really_ figure out my master plan?"

"The one where you try to kill Harry during a Quidditch game and make it look like an accident? Because that one's been done—"

"Did you figure out that I'm crazy about you," he interrupted. "That my twin and close friends have all been driven mad because of it. That humiliating you was just a bonus; all I really wanted was to kiss you."

Hermione grinned. "Well, _duh,"_ she joked. "I've known all that for ages. I was just playing along."

Hermione stepped forward, pressing herself to him and tilting her head back to kiss him. For the first time, their kiss was slow, deeper and more passionate, not as frantic as before. Hermione slid her hands up his chest and around his neck, her fingers getting tangled in his hair. He pulled her as close to him as possible, suddenly hit with the realization that this time, when the kiss ended, she wouldn't run off or try to kill him. She'd stay with him, she'd stop messing with his head, and George would be quite overjoyed to learn that she was no longer violent. She was his now, his and his alone.

Fred pulled back, their lips still so close they were almost touching. He opened his eyes, savoring the blissful, happy expression on her face. "So," he said casually, "you want to go out sometime?"

Hermione couldn't fight the grin that came at his words. "Sure," she replied, shaking her head at the irony of the situation. "After all, you're much better-looking than Harry."

Fred laughed uproariously, not letting go of her but angling his head so he could look at her better. "That was really cruel, bringing him to detention like that," he said, mock-pouting at her.

"I think it was lot more cruel to force him to fly around the Quidditch pitch while some psychotic Weasley chases him around with a Beater's bat. Thank the gods that Harry's got such a good broom."

"Well, you've got a point there," Fred said. "Tell him I'm sorry about that, will you?"

"Sure, once he can speak to me without screaming," Hermione said. "That may take a while, though. He gets very annoyed after someone tries to kill him."

"You'd think he'd be used to it by now," Fred joked. He paused, smiling down at her, relishing the moment—he was with his girlfriend, and it felt wonderful.

Hermione frowned just then, and Fred raised his eyebrows at her. "What?"

"I was just thinking," she said with a rueful smile, "what on earth are we going to tell people?"

They both laughed, each thinking how absurd it was. "Amazing, isn't it?" Hermione gasped.

"Yeah," Fred said, grinning his head off. "All this… from just a harmless joke."

* * *

**The End**

_Author's Notes:_ Holy crap! I just finished the story! How did that happen! Drat, what now? I guess… I'll have to go back to the D/Hr stories… sigh. Why am I writing them, anyway? SHE BELONGS WITH FRED!

…Okay, yeah, well, it's 4:30 in the morning and I've just finished a story that I thought would probably go on forever like "The Prank War" or "We Woke Up Married," only it didn't turn out that way. I thought I'd have another ten chapters and bring the elder Weasleys back… and the next thing I know, the story's OVER. The story just sort of poured out like this… and I needed to rant about the lack of good F/Hr fics… but she belongs with Fred, she really does!

I seriously can't believe this thing is OVER. How did that happen? One minute I said "Let's finish chapter nineteen," and then suddenly I'm typing "The End" and panicking at the thought that my last unfinished Fred/Hermione fic is over. Oh, the horror…

I really loved this fic, and I hope y'all did too. It's been swimming around in my head since 2002, when I was just letting my fingers run wild at the keyboard and came up with some casual background Fred/Hermione story for "A Night at the Three Broomsticks." More than two and a half years later, here I am. I had no clue that it would end like this; it just sort of happened. I suppose now I'll go back through and edit a few things, take out the storylines and schemes and subplots that I'd mentioned but didn't use. If I do that, though, it'll essentially stay the same, just less planning and maybe the alteration of a line here and there. The story is over, folks, sorry—I don't think I could do a sequel for it, either, but maybe I will one day, if I get some sort of idea. I do, however, have a vague idea for an epilogue, which I just might write one day. I feel so lost… like my fish has died or something, it's so weird… I don't want to end this stupid note because I'm so attached to this lovely, lovely story. Well, nothing I can do anymore, no sir, it's over, I must go sob and get over my hatred of change. But it's been fun, and I hope you've enjoyed reading this thing as much as I've enjoyed writing it.


	22. Epilogue

_Author's Notes:_ Ah, the long-awaited epilogue. I seriously doubted this would ever happen, but happen it has.

I'm not sure if the epilogue is a good thing or a bad thing. I don't think it packs as much punch as the other chapters, but I liked putting it in and tying everything up. So here you go.

* * *

**_Epilogue_**

The student body of Hogwarts, for once, had no idea what had happened. They couldn't even begin to come up with any idea what the truth about Fred and Hermione's past and present relationship was, and neither of them was willing to share. So Fred and Hermione just sort of went from the most talked-about couple to the most confusing couple at Hogwarts, and, in time, they all decided to leave it at that.

Harry did shout quite a bit at them both when they went to apologize for the whole near-death thing on the Quidditch pitch, but he was so relieved that their fight was over that he couldn't stay angry for long. He gave them his blessing, and so did Ron (though slightly more reluctantly), which surprised both Fred and Hermione. Ginny, of course, was ecstatic for them, and Lee and George were so grateful for an end to the miniature war that to celebrate they threw a party in the common room that became one of the best in Gryffindor history.

Fred and Hermione spent the next month in detention, thanks to Snape (who became even more vindictive after the Stunning incident) and their inability to keep their hands off of each other. They used the time to talk, get to know each other more, and grow even closer as the school's bathrooms grew cleaner than they'd ever been before. For the rest of the school year, Fred could be seen walking her to classes and carrying her books (which was no easy task when it came to Hermione) and Hermione could be seen laughing at his jokes and occasionally even helping him with some rule-breaking scheme.

She spent most of the following summer at the Burrow with Fred or at the joke shop he and George opened upon leaving Hogwarts, though she made it a point to spend plenty of time with Harry, Ron and Ginny as well. When term started again, Fred, who had completed his final year, became quite depressed and Hermione felt his absence as well. Fred's solution to this was to sneak into Hogwarts, which almost got him killed. Security spells were high, thanks to Voldemort, so three minutes after he'd arrived in Hermione's dormitory through the window, McGonagall, Snape, Dumbledore and half a dozen other teachers burst in on them, certain that a Death Eater had broken in. While Fred smiled and waved, Hermione nearly died of embarrassment. Dumbledore decided to remedy their loneliness (and prevent any more false alarms) by giving Fred permission to visit the school during the day on weekends, and this cheered both Hermione and Fred greatly.

By the time the Christmas holidays rolled around, Fred and Hermione had never been more attached to each other. Even Ginny was starting to make gagging sounds whenever she saw them together. Hermione and Fred agreed to cool it a little over the holidays to spare their friends, and as such they decided to get together before Harry, Ron and Ginny also returned to the Burrow for Christmas.

Hermione, having turned seventeen during September of her sixth year (and therefore able to use magic), decided to forgo the Hogwarts Express trip on the last day of holidays, and she Apparated straight to the Burrow to spend some much-needed alone time with Fred. Fred met her in the snow-covered garden and kissed her hello.

"About bloody time we got some alone time together," Fred grumbled. "Hogwarts has way too many students. Although our experiences with people walking in on us has led George and I to trying to invent a new locking spell. A more foolproof one."

"Well, at least it's just the two of us now," Hermione said, smiling. "Unless—are your parents home?"

"No, no, Dad's at work and Mum's visiting friends of hers," Fred said dismissively. "I thought we might go out, though, you know? We've only ever been to Hogsmeade together on dates. Maybe we could go to Diagon Alley or something—hey! Where are we going?"

Hermione had seized his hand and begun marching towards the house. "To be alone together," she told him with a mischievous grin. Fred was so startled he nearly fell over, but he caught himself quickly. Hermione dragged him through the house and up to his room. After she shut the door behind them, it didn't reopen for hours. (Well, unless you count those few seconds when they realized George was in the room, and they were forced to ask him politely to leave—i.e., Hermione drew her wand and marched him out of the room like a pirate brandishing a sword at a prisoner walking the plank.)

Hermione dozed off a good while later, and Fred watched her sleep, grinning down at her, remembering the last time he'd seen her sleep—over a year ago on the common room couch, muttering and covered in books. After watching her for long, peaceful moments, he reached out to shake her shoulder.

"Wha?" she groaned.

"Wake up, love, you're too cute in your sleep," he said, pecking a kiss on her lips. "Besides, the last time I watched you sleep, it set off this chain reaction of dangerous and bizarre events."

Hermione giggled and snuggled closer to him. "Well, it did work out pretty well in the end, wouldn't you say?"

"Definitely," Fred murmured. Then he frowned thoughtfully. "Although I seem to remember getting walked in on a lot, and I have no idea what time Mum is supposed to come home."

Hermione's eyes widened in horror and she leaped out of the bed, scrambling for her clothes while Fred laughed himself sick. Once she was dressed, she turned to glare at him irritably… and then her face softened. She knelt beside the bed and poked him in the shoulder to get him to look at her. "Fred?"

"What, love?" he gasped out, trying to regain control of himself.

"I just… I have this really strange feeling about me. Like I can do anything right now. Like I can face all my fears."

"Any fears I can help you face at present?" Fred joked, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

"Yes, actually," Hermione said, her smile becoming downright wicked. She stood up. "I want you to take me sledding."

"Take you—what?"

"Sledding. I want to face my fears. And I feel so safe with you now. Come on, please?"

"Do you not remember what happened last time?"

"Yes, but that was different. You'll be with me, not cursing me." She gave him her best puppy-dog eyes and added a final, "Please?"

Fred shrugged. "Ah, why not? Let's go, then."

Five minutes later, they entered the living room, to find George playing wizard's chess with Charlie. "Hi," Hermione said brightly, waving at them both (George ducked; he'd never quite gotten over his nervousness of Hermione). "We're going sledding; do you want to come?"

"Sledding? I thought you hated sledding, especially after _Fred_—" George was careful to emphasize the culprit— "jinxed you last time."

"I do hate it. To be perfectly honest, it scares the crap out of me. That's why I want to try it. I want to get over it." Hermione beamed at them and laced her fingers with Fred's.

Charlie and George looked at Fred, who shrugged. "She's in a weird mood."

"Wonder why?" Charlie muttered with a smirk. Fred glared at him and Charlie raised his hands in the classic peacemaking gesture.

"I'm in," Charlie said. "George here sucks at chess, anyway. I've been bored out of my skull."

"Hey, I told you, the Exploding Snap deck was in my room, or we could have played that," George retorted, glowering at his twin.

The four of them made their way to the backyard and began dragging the sled up the same hill that Bill, Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny had once climbed. When they reached the top, Charlie climbed in, followed by George and Fred. Fred beckoned to Hermione, who suddenly appeared reluctant.

"Come on, Mione," Fred cajoled. "We're just gonna go down the hill. There's nothing to be afraid of."

A slow smile lit Hermione's face as she pulled out her wand and waved it. The sled's seatbelts sprang forward, strapping the twins and Charlie to the sled. "That's right, love," she said, her smile becoming a smirk. "There's nothing to be afraid of. Keep telling yourself that."

"I hate you, Fred," George whimpered, staring at Hermione with nothing short of terror.

"Come on, Hermione, quit playing around," Charlie said in his patented talking-to-crazed-people voice. "We're very sorry about last year, aren't we, guys?" George began nodding vigorously.

Fred struggled to undo his seatbelt. "Oh, come on, Hermione," he chided, looking exasperated. "It was just a har—AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Hermione cackled maniacally as one wave of her wand sent the sled shooting backwards down the hill, its three riders screaming bloody murder. "That's the difference between you and me, Fred!" Hermione shouted after them, stuffing her wand back in her pocket and watching the runaway sled with satisfaction.

"When it comes to me, it's _never_ just a harmless joke!"

* * *

_End Notes:_ Well, there you have it. The final chapter after the final chapter of "Just a Harmless Joke." To be perfectly honest, I'm not completely happy with it, so I might come back and fix up at least the epilogue one day, if not the rest of the story (though I want to edit the story, too). I doubt I'll EVER do a sequel, but sometimes I think about it, so you never know.

I hope you liked this. It looks like "Just a Harmless Joke" is now completely over… sigh. I did so enjoy this story. Oh, and by the way—I now have my own livejournal to keep in touch with my reviewers; the link is in my bio. Thanks for reading, to every last one of you. I still read all new reviews for this story, and I always will—they never cease to cheer me up, and maybe one day I'll get inspiration for a sequel from someone. I love Fred/Hermione more than any other ship, and I hope I'll come up with a new tale soon.


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